reflection

Help with the proposal (the edited version)

I feel comfortable sharing with you all because quite honestly, I’m not always comfortable other places. People don’t know that about me because I’ve learned to co-exist in many circles, all the while wanting to get away/break free. I am behind almost a week in my deadline for my book proposal. It’s a self-imposed deadline and I don’t like letting myself down. People always tell me that they don’t know why I don’t prioritize, why I try to do so much and I…well, I decided to try to come up with an answer right here at DahGurl.

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“I don’t know where that chil’ come from. It’s like she know stuff and if she don’t know, she go to dem books and figure out. That’s strange, but that’s special.”

In the eyes of my Mississippi-raised maternal grandparents and their extended families that had migrated to Detroit for a better way of life, I was a strange child. There was only two books in the house, the Bible and the dictionary, and I don’t recall ever going to the library, the bookstore, but I started reading right before I turned three. Nowadays that seems like the goal of the private preschools, but this was a big shock to my humble, hard-working sparingly-educated family. As the oldest grandchild and a perceived prodigy, I was expected to do great and marvelous things to make my family proud. I did most of what they expected too. From academic game trophies to debutante ball awards to more college degrees than any of the previous generations, I sought the favor, the recognition and the insurmountable responsibility of my family for over 20 years. Yeah, some people shy away from being The One, but me…I thought that it was natural, it was who I am. I gained a great deal from the faith and strong silence of my grandfather and the demanding and hardworking nature of my grandmother…

Stop…this is too far back in my life right? And it doesn’t include where my parents came into my life because I don’t want them to feel like they weren’t important. Ok, so let’s go here, a more current sorta me…Take 2

I was lied to when they told me it would be easy,straightforward. All of the books, training classes, research wasn’t enough. I toss and turn in my sleep because for once I don’t know the answers, actually since I’ve been at home with children doing this whole housewife/mom thing, even the questions have changed. At restless times when irritability and frustration are at their highest, I try to foster blame. It was my family telling me that I could be anything I wanted to be if I worked hard. No, they have to say that, right? It’s in the parent rule book. No, it was the Pastor who said that God will give you the desire of your heart, but he left out the part about trusting him, seeking him, believing and not doubting. How do I get to the trust of Him when all I ever knew was to trust myself?

Being the oldest daughter and grandchild and being a woman in a Southern family that believed that in “raising your daughters and loving your sons” is a big cross I bear. It’s engrained in my interactions with people. I don’t like excuses, whining (had enough from all of those babies in the family…smile). I’m brutally honest, which was part of my deliverance from being silenced and from keeping secrets that I saw destroyed people. I like getting to source of the matter. Phony folks and hypocrites…all around, not by choice. I actually think they’re everywhere, especially since pretending seems to be better than changing,making it better. Cool, I guess.
Trust. Oooo…for such a small word, it’s loaded. So is faith, power, doubt…Hmmm…we need to be concerned about the 5-letter words, not the four letter words, except for fear and hell, but that’s another post. I trusted myself for awhile, but it was hard to incorporate that trust in a marriage, rightfully so, I opened myself up. Then becoming a parent made me doubt everything about myself because I’ve been so friggin independent minded. I’ve been accused of being more of the “happily single” type–”There’s nothing wrong with that. Not everybody is supposed to get married and have kids. You should be okay with that, right?” Once I became a mother (didn’t know how to do it), then a housewife (really, really didn’t know how to do that), I stopped listening to myself because I didn’t have anything…uh…helpful to say. Now that I’m starting to listen, I think everyone, well at least my loyal 6 readers (smile) would appreciate what I’m saying.

Now, how was Take 2? Too much? Not enough? Telling? I…I just don’t know what to say other than the fact that I want to help people and I want to use my experiences to help others. Did I get that message across in this second attempt.
Really? Am I tripping? Will people listen, pick up my book and get something out of it? I don’t know how to get to the core of my intent to help people, specifically women, feel like they are not alone, to feel like they got a coach, a gurlfriend who can “feel” their pain and who herself is an overcomer, conqueror even while still in battle. Can I say that in the book proposal? Will that get the message across about who I am?
Thanks for listening to a couple of feeble attempts at writing about who I am and why do I feel worthy to share or more importantly, why do I think people want to listen, will listen? I’ll let you all know when I get closer to completion. It better be done soon because I don’t want to drag this on because the book is almost done. Just gotta work on getting the proposal tight and in the right hands. You all are the greatest sounding board ever!

© 2006 DahGurl.