balance

2 groups and a calling

As you can tell from my every other day entries that life is getting just a little hectic around here, but for once, for the first time in my life, it is natural hecticness that has come from my desire to line up with God’s plan and purpose for my life. The past few days, really weeks, have been full of so many emotions that I gotta tell you I have started another print journal and maybe even consider a mini-video. Sounds crazy? Here’s my attempt at trying to explain what’s going on.

Throughout my time as a SAHM (over 10 years now), I always felt that I need to be doing something more, as if raising my children was not enough. I sought out opprtunities to help people, get involved with projects, so that my life would matter, like so I could feel useful. Yeah, that’s it. My DH often pointed this out and how I needed to just relax because I put too much pressure on myself and of course, in that season of my life, I was not listening. It costs me. I was hurt, mistreated, slandered, harassed and even got accused of a crime because someone want to steal my idea and make for their own, so they had to get me out of the way and try to discredit me. Oh! It cost me. DH is my protector, my stablizing force and man, he’s had to put up with a lot.

Ok! That was years ago and I’m restored. I harbor no ill-will toward folks. Shoot, I’ve even had a few folks come back to apologize. I’ve moved on and have decided to be more mindful about seasons and not try to seek stuff out. I want to be blessing and I want to share all that God has given me to the masses, but I’ve been holding on, holding back because I needed to get my attitude right, my spirit strengthen because what I know is the higher the level, the bigger the devil. If you have a great work that you feel passionate about, prepare for opposition. Oooo, I’m being prepared for a big thing and I can feel the stretching, the restraint, the patience. UGGGH! It’s not easy, but it is necessary.

I am in a bit of a…an alternate extreme state (I was getting ready to say chaos/psychosis, but I am not claiming ANY instability) and I know that this is where God wants me. I am involved in, without any seeking out of my own, merely obeying where I feel God has called me, 2 powerful groups. Can’t give the names (not important to the dialogue), but check out how they’re stretching me, growing me, developing skills in me, preparing me.

The first group is larger than the second and is filled with leaders, not too many followers and I’m the appointed leader of the group. I’ve been challenged by the lack of communication among the group even though they are professionals. I don’t flow well with people who need to hear themselves talk and not listen while others are talking. It is funny watching the dynamics. I had a meeting recently and I brought an outline/mindmap/notes from the last meeting (oh, I am the chair, but no one has stepped up to be co-chair or secretary…wonder why?) and before I could get started, our advisor had to come and facilitate the meeting because we had already had a blow-up at the previous meeting. I always want people to sit in a circle/get close together/learn one another’s name. No, not this group and I’ve been praying as to why God set this up for me like this. I actually feel like I’m being disregarded and ignored. Not because I’m sensitive. Yall know me better than that, but because there are really too many strong, guarded, tense personalities and I’m just too open, too…ME. I’m in the right place, right time, but not feeling impactful, which is weird because I don’t put my hand to something and not give it my all, not make a difference. WOW! I can’t wait to see how God is going to use me to work through this group. I’m being prepared for something and it is not easy. It actually hurts in my body, so I know this is exercising me spiritually.
Now, I’m in a second group that is just as powerful, smaller group, and it is flowing so well, so smooth. People are communicating freely, not afraid to appear vulnerable and not knowledgeable. Humbling themselves to say Oh, I’ve done that AND I can help you. No real structure, not a lot of previous background in the area we all are organizing/encouraging one another and man, right place, right time, huge impact, gets me up in the morning, keeps me on the computer, becoming the springboard for me to kick my coaching/writing/professional speaking training and booking business into high gear. I told DH that this is truly ordained and orchestrated by the Most High because I wasn’t looking/I didn’t hang my “looking for something to keep me useful” shingle out. I was actually doing the opposite, being cautious, walking away from opportunity. My prayer was something like this:

” Lord, please don’t let me go before you. You’ve ordered my steps. Help me to be a better follower and a calmer/wiser/discerning spirit. Please remove from my life the wrong stuff, the stuff that’s not for me right now because you know I need help in this area. Bring people in my path that aren’t just trying to suck me dry, but who are also trying to give into my life. Balance me out, Lord so that I can better glorify you.”

Isn’t that what we want? Balance? Support? Direction? I’m being stretched in these groups and I’m respecting this place. It makes me uncomfortable knowing that I prepared an agenda for the first group and it wasn’t even distributed because we had to redirect some of the…of the different personalities. I felt like a little kid when our advisor had to come and facilitate for us. But I understand process, appreciate help and respect what God has for me to learn from this. The second group is causing me to reevaluate my schedule and consider doing more training of my daughter to work for me doing typing, design and video work. I have so many projects, ideas in my belly that laid dormant until now. I’m finally surrounded by people who want more for their lives and aren’t afraid to take a chance.

After a six year waiting period (ooo, if you are interested in reading a scripture that has blessed me in this sixth year, read Lev. 25:21), actually I am in my sixth year, which started in July, I am going to reap my harvest that will build a legacy for my family. Everytime I encouraged someone to stay in their marriage, it strengthened mine. Every time I helped someone else write a book/build a business/sell a product/follow their dream, it’s coming back to me. I don’t want to start preaching today (wooo, I could shout right now), but I will say if you really want something to happen in your life, do that something for someone else, without expecting an immediate natural return (email me if you need this clarified), without drama/envy/pettiness. Just do it so that you can learn something/grow in an area/enjoy their joy because

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. (Galatians 6:9)

This developing of people, sharing my experience in a loving, non-judgemental and humourous fashion is my calling and these 2 groups are just the beginning of my on-the-job training. I’m stirring up gifts and bring them forth. Next week, Tuesday, I will be posting some information on this new project. You guys helped me through it. Can’t wait to share.

© 2006 DahGurl.