balance

Me and my Dew

So, how does a mother deal with guilt? She overcompensates for her shortcomings by pouring it on and I do mean pouring it on. Here it is, the 10th of the month and I haven’t REALLY checked in with all of you. I am mad at myself because I love having everyone here, but I have needed to adjust. Adjust to what? Well, as you all know, I am my own worse self critic and I have been pretty hard on myself. When I sit to right, I like to bring it, so I don’t do a lot of pictures (I’ve decided to change that as I may be taking a course in photography) and I like to make every entry a story, a deep thought. Now I am deep most of the time, but some of the time, I just want to check out, veg out, chill. It’s hard because I don’t relax well. I’ve learned to take better care of myself by relaxing more, but it isn’t easy.

Ok, here’s a situation right now. I could explain to you why it’s hard to relax or I could tell you what I’ve done to be better at relaxing. Hmm…which way do I go? which way do I go? (A little Bullwinkle moment there…for you 70’s children). Alright, I think I’m going to go here. I have really enjoyed my three children and I regret that we had to jump back into school and school-related activities so soon after returning to Baltimore. I have resisted the feeling of perfectionism while still doing a little something every day that I couldn’t do with the babies.

The hardest part of this transition is that I haven’t deemed my life difficult (somewhat challenging) because, well…it’s my life. But when the big kids are doing their silent reading and I am able to sit at the computer quietly and actually have my 10 minutes of thinking in my thinking place (Shoot, it’s taking me forever to have a thinking place. Got that from Thinking for a change by John Maxwell). I think “Wow. Is this what “normal” people do? Is this what my life will someday be like when the kids are old enough to fend for themselves?” It’s kinda weird for me, actually its been really weird for me. Can’t say I like it, but I am trying to capitalize on it by putting the big kids to sleep at their right time (8:30 and 9:00 p.m) and by having my 30 minutes of quiet time with just me and my husband (hadn’t been doing that, but I’d like to try that much harder this year for this to be a habit). I, unfortunately, haven’t been waking up early like I should (no vitamins, overcoming a cold…still no excuse) and I have been losing my high productive time. Ugghh. So to complete this blog, to let you know that I am trying to get it back together and I haven’t disappeared, I grabbed some Mountain Dew (that is my caffeine drug of choice) on the way back home from Bible Study and I’m going to get some writing done until maybe 2 a.m or so.

Oh, I’ll be sure to tell yall what I did about my daughter’s hair over the holidays and to tell you about my latest teeth challenge, then I got a urine situation to share, an acting audition sorta thing, along with a new research assistant and a file clerk that I am hiring…Man, just like I said, what does a mother do with so much guilt (I feel guilty that dahgurl has fallen short)? She lays it on thick. Sorry to dump this all of your lap, but I got some good stuff coming. Thanks for having faith in me.

© 2007 DahGurl.