balance

Out of whack

Did you guys make New Year resolutions? Well, I have shared my many resolution strategies. My favorite (and the one I’m most consistent about is the letter. I write a letter to myself that I open at the end of year, reflecting on all that I have accomplished. It’s funny, upbeat, reflective and challenging. I took some time this year writing the letter because I’m experiencing a lot of transition and I want my letter to be truly reflective of what it is that I really want. Have you ever felt like you don’t know what you want? Well, I thought I was clear until I ask God what He wanted for me and begin to study the promises of God. Now, I’m stretched.

My 2 year old is an incredible example of believing that you should have whatever you want when you want it. Now, I understand due process, but he doesn’t. He knows that he can’t reach the cups in the cabinet, so he pushes a chair up to the counter, climbs on the counter and get a cup. Does it matter if it’s glass or if it’s too big? Nope. He just knows that it’s a cup. Once he gets the cup, he goes to the refrigerator (I still can’t believe he is tall enough to reach the thing) and pushes the water spout (what do you call that?) and gets him some water. He walks in the living room, sits down on the couch and when he’s done, he just drops the cup and carries on his way.  I’ve learned a lot from my most independent child to date.

1. Nothing can stand in his way of getting what he wants. When he can’t reach the counter, he goes to the dishwasher. If he can’t open it (it’s sometimes not closed all of the way), then he goes and drags anyone in the house that’s bigger than him (including my oldest daughter) and takes them to the kitchen, points to the cabinet and says, “Cup, pease.”

2. He doesn’t wait to get results. Once he has a cup, he doesn’t even ask for the water. He knows his capabilities and he gets the water himself.
3. He takes pride in his achievement. His face lights up when he gets what he wants.

When I grow up, I think I want to be like him. I have spent years saying what I don’t want or what I’ll settle for until…until I can get a bigger house, until I can get the kids off to college, until I can pay off this student loan…how many untils are getting in the way of what you really want?

I read a lot (as you all know) and although I started my writing life wanting to write novels, I haven’t read a good novel in awhile. I read 4 to 5 books a week (separate from the books have to read for the kids’ schoolwork–geesh) and my latest books have been a couple of re-reads–the Aladdin Factor and the 22 Immutable Laws of Branding. Different books, different ideas, but both of them are meeting a need for me right now.

The Aladdin Factor is about asking and I want to let you know for an independent sistah like me, asking is not easy. I used to think (praise God for a renewing of your mind) that asking was either a form of neediness or a tactic used to agitate or irritate. I would forget my money at home on my job and have a headache during lunch because I didn’t ask anyone to borrow a few bucks until the next day. “They are going to think I’m a leech, a buster.” I wouldn’t ask my father to help me buy some glasses because our insurance didn’t cover the full amount (ooo, I live for the day that I’m either wearing contacts or having my eyesight strengthen because glasses are providing me with a lot of challenges lately) and I wore glasses for 2 years!! that I couldn’t really see out of. You should have seen my father’s face when I finally confessed after he badgered me for squinting all of the time. “You couldn’t have just asked. What do you think I would have done?” I kinda know where my poor programmming came from, but again, I’m new and approved. I think women who stay at home or women who are experiencing parental guilt (for whatever reason) have an extra layer of “not asking” going on. For me, I’ve gotten so good at suppressing/repressing/oppressing (just pressing) my desires that now I’m spending an incredible amount of time trying to reconnect with me.

The 22 immutable laws of branding is about what is your package, your image, your…brand. Since I’ve started this blog, many doors have opened for me in the area of writing. I love writing, but my heart is also teaching and speaking. The three go together so I have to be a business person (which I’ve been for many years off and on) and be cautious about how I handle my…my stuff, my…brand. The deal is that I love parenting and I love working with women as a life coach. I’ve had to get some help in finding out who do I want to be when I grow up.

I know I’ve posed this question before but I think it’s taken a different tone because I don’t think I was ready to accept what I REALLY want. I happened on this current life and lifestyle that I have (SAHM, homeschooling, 5 kids!) and I’m so grateful, but for someone who wrote her life plan when she was 7 and revised it at 11, being where I hadn’t planned is throwing me off. I’m really out of whack because I feel that the one place that I could let my hair down was here and now people…not yall, of course, have kinda taken it away and kinda…I don’t know branded the blog. Does that make sense?

I’m okay with change and I know that the kind of people who work well with my personality type (not Type A, but close enough that my idiosyncracies really throw people for a loop…did I tell you I had 4 different personal assistants in 90 days in my last business? Remind me to share that story one day…no I’m not Murphy Brown) are coming in my life to push me to the next level. I just gotta get back to a routine that is prepared for the next level.

This staying up til 1 or 2 and then waking up at 7 or so just doesn’t work for me. I’ll let you all know how I get my groove back. For now, forgive me because I’m real out of whack.

© 2007 DahGurl.