balance

Where I’ve Been…

Many of you have probably wondered where I’ve been…well I’ve been stuck on Step 1 of my 12 step process of caring about what people think. A friend of mine would call it being stuck on “duck duck.” You all remember the game duck duck goose? Well what happens when you get one of those kids who just keeps saying duck the whole time and you are wondering, when are they going to just pick a goose already?! That’s me, stuck on duck duck and stuck on Step 1. Like the children of Israel who kept circling the mountain and who made an 11 day journey a 40 year one; like the crew who got stuck on Gilligan’s Island and made a 3 hour tour a spontaneous extended vacation, I have been stuck on Step 1. At one point, I think that Jesus went ahead of me because He knew that I would be coming around the corner (circling the same mountain)…to say it’s okay that you are here again, but you know you don’t have to be right? Just when I thought it was safe to leave the house…I realized that I didn’t have the proper gear on. The gear I am referring to is all mental. I didn’t have the proper “head” gear on to keep my head in the game. I started out the year with one goal (thanks to one of my sisters): Do it Big in 07′…in ALL areas. If that isn’t enough to get your year going, then I don’t know what is. I signed up to run the Shamrock Shuffle, I started another job (like I didn’t already have enough jobs), and I set out to be a better wife. Then about a week ago, I hit a wall…which then came an epiphany: I still care about what people think. Dang…and I thought we were delivered from this one.

Well this recent revelation came as a result of my being a “busy body”, not in other men’s matters, but just being busy doing a whole lot of things that frankly, I am not sure I am supposed to be doing at all. I started another job working for a wonderful couple and their ministry, only to realize that I don’t think I really like the work I am doing. Not a big deal right? You just let them know that perhaps this is not the place for you. Sounds easy, but when you are still on Step 1 of the 12 step process, admitting you have the problem, then the problem actually still exists. Which means, it took a lot in me to actually admit to them that I wasn’t sure about this job. Why was it hard? I didn’t want to disappoint, I didn’t want to miss the mark, I didn’t know what people would think…and the list went on. I started to stress over what people would think about my leaving a job I’ve only been in a month. I heard people say give it some time, stay in a little longer. Now I am not saying you should jump from place to place. What I am saying is that you shouldn’t linger long on things you know in your heart may not be for you. If you are not passionate about it, if it doesn’t get you going in the morning, then re-evaluate your purpose and why you are doing what you are doing. If you are not sure, take a step back and re-evaluate the situation. If anything, you will learn what you don’t want to do…and that in itself will bring clarity. That is what I have been doing, that is where I have been and hopefully in the soon and very near future, I will not be circling that mountain anymore. But if somehow I do, I know that God will be waiting for me around that corner (while somehow managing to walk with me at the same time) to say “it is going to be alright.” After all, He knew that at this very moment I would be going through this very situation before I was even born. He also knows how the end will be and according to Him it will end in victory! Amen and Hallelujah! I feel a sudden motivation to move towards Step 2…and the game continues…duck, duck, duck, duck, duck….

© 2007 DahGurl.