reflection

Missing Children Cause Insomnia, Anixety for Parents

I’ve been a little sporadic this week in my writing, well, in my blogging. I write everyday. I have print journals again since the Fall Out of 2006 (if you don’t know, you gotta read here), so I’ve written there, but I didn’t think the info sorta applied here.

Unfortunately, the interaction and the mad love I have for all of you caused me to just go ahead and…let it all hang out.

Many of you have sent me emails and asked how am I handling being 4 kids short of my crew and I haven’t responded. Mostly because the truth is wierd, unexpected. See, DH and I have been having a hard time adjusting to a life with the other children. We’re not sleeping, our schedules/our flow is so off, so broken and I have been on edge, anxious since last Monday, the 9th. I placed all of these unrealistic expectations on myself/created these crazy to-do lists assuming that I can do all things with no children and I completely forgot that I’m human, that I have limitations. Well, that’s part of it.

There’s more and it’s difficult to share, but I hope it helps.

Being without my little people has caused me to face some hard truths about what the choice to be at home for as long as I have has cost me…I have impeccable administrative skills and I like to handle my business, but the challenges of my “business” being the same place where I’m supposed to have peace, show love, cook, entertain…People don’t understand “how I do it”! The truth is I wasn’t doing it and it caught up with me this week. I never found a middle ground, a system in my house that worked for everybody…I’ve thought about plenty, halfway implemented many, but nothing really stuck and I…I caved in. I threw the clothes on the floor in the closet because I was tired of labeling the drawers, teaching them to fod them and it seemed no one listened. I was the one who got the mail, threw on the abyss known as the dining room table and forgot about it once I fed the kids and sat down to rest my feet. When I tell you that I had mail from months ago cluttering up my file cabinets (you know the new ones that are serving as storage cabinets because I haven’t taken the time to organize the files…you know the assorted color hanging and file folders that are in the same drawer!) and I had…just thinking about it makes me want to choke…a collection notice from some agency for $8.90! When I called the company, completely embarrassed, we both just started laughing. How did my life just get so out of control?

It doesn’t take a rocket science to figure that out…2 jobs, 2 cross-country moves, an inventory-intensive in-home business (not any more, but the residue still exists), a coaching practice, 7 peoples personal history (medical/dental), car accidents, teaching 3 different grades, serving in ministry, holding offices in several different organizations…UGGH! You get the picture. It’s friggin’ nuts and I just realized how important it is for slow down and regroup, but the realization came at such a high price.

The price of personal peace, self-worth…see while I sat in a quiet room, doing my hypercritical/intense self-analysis plus talking to a new great gurlfriend, who happens to be a psychiatrist, I realized that I haven’t forgiven myself and that I’m losing sleep, having trouble breathing (as I looked at the piles and the credit reports and the…life) because I have time to focus on what I’m NOT instead of what I am.

See those little people who need food, help with math, counseling on how to get the last of the jelly out of the jar…they remind me of who I am, how wonderful of a job I’m doing. Although my oldest is here (and she is awesome by the way..I’ll talk about her in my next post), I feel like I should have been better, perfect…I should have never let the papers pile up, let the clothes stay in the basket…I just shouldn’t have done it. What’s wrong with me? My life isn’t that much…other women do it with less and this doesn’t happen to them.

Yup, I was selling tickets to a slamming self-loathing party and thank God, my girls Mia/Ce’/Dr. Green/Liana, weren’t buying it.

I’ve made mad progress this past week or so, conquering my fears, taking baby steps (like a bag of clothes a day or a box of clutter to get rid of a week) and I’ve had some great breakthroughs in this whole forgiving of myself. I had to watch my language, my diet (certain foods like sweets don’t help to clear your mental clutter), increase my exercise regiment (I had been walking 3 miles or so daily, but I put in a half mile to a mile jog and man has that helped), and I’ve opened up to people about how being a perfectionist (as much as I thought I had recovered) came flooding me the moment the kids were gone. It was like free reign to kick that obsessive-compulsive stuff into high gear. I’m task-oriented, performance-driven…I just didn’t think that being a SAHM was enough…no stats, nothing measurable, no reward ceremony, annual merit increase and I need that…well, I got that in these loving, insightful, joyous children who I direct, inspire, develop. I just lost sight of that. For a minute. The enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy…he knocked me down, but he won’t win.

Is there some aspect of your past choices, your past experiences that’s keeping you from moving forward? Are you carrying around some negative emotion, like unforgiveness/self-doubt, that has you afraid, stuck? Still thinking about that scam you invested in and how you lost your car? Mad at the shopping spree you went on because your friend was depressed and now your closet has clothes with tags on them that you don’t even like? Please share how you’re not getting over you! We promise not to buy tickets to your pity-party…just encourage you to change venues and move on.

© 2007 DahGurl.