How do you say Thank You to people you may never meet? How can you convey the choked up, holding back the tears feeling after reading a blog comment and realize that people get you, feel you, are with you? Well, to the best blog readers in all of the land, the two simple words that truly mean what they say: Thank You. I’ve gotten emails, scriptures, jokes, straight up “Hey Girl” messages from all of you and I…I just don’t know what to say, except for Thank You.

See as many of you, I am the Go To Gal, the Make It Happen chick…I make it do it what it do, baby! And when I’ve done what I can do in my strength, my faith has always seen me through, but this time, this shattering of my confidence, came quickly and fierce. And it came from every side, but the tricky part is it’s come mostly from the inside. That’s where the stronghold lies. I put in greatness, possibilities, but I didn’t dejunk, reprogram, so when I needed solutions, answers I pulled out some junk, some deep junk. And only through intervention, professional intervention, have I had to sort out what I was taught and what I believe.

I won’t bore you with my results-oriented, conditionally loving upbringing. I’ve tried to steer away from the discussion on parents trying to live vicariously through their children, but I will turn this into a couple of parenting notes and make it more about how I parent, than about how I was parented (love my parents/don’t want to open the can/mother hasn’t made this choice easy though).

As a parent, you make choices and you want your children to learn from your mistakes, but how you convey your mistakes is so important to the overall emotional health of your children. For example, if you got involved with the “wrong” man (I put wrong in quotes for reasons I’ll explain later), then you don’t have to punish every young man who looks like him and is dating your daughter. Don’t make prejudicial statements like “Oh, he’s from that side of town. You know he knows good.” “He’s an only boy. Oh, he will never leave his mother for you.” See we, as women, are prone to wear our mistakes, our issues on our sleeves like badges. Stop it! Raise your child to think for themselves and let them think through their choices.

And

Be there for them without judgment. Man, I pray that I will NEVER tell my children…”I told you so.” “I knew I was right all along.” No matter how right you were, petty vindication or any form of public vindication just ain’t sexy, it’s not welcoming. I heard my Pastor say that people who criticize you, do it because they don’t understand you. Wow! I’m pretty un-understandable. I am not even a “kid” person per se, but I will go to bat for my children. I’ve nurtured, some may say smothered my children and to think that in just a few short weeks, their lives are going to be like something that even us as parents have never seen…2 working parent household.

WHOA!

I haven’t been doing a lot of praying as much as I have been just reflecting. Give yourself credit for what you’ve done in your life no matter how small or insignificant you think it is. We are our worse enemy. The one thing I’ve learned in this process is that I forgive others easily (for the most part  :lol: ), but I don’t forgive myself. I beat up on myself so tough, my girl Ce’ says It’s worse than those 6o’s Batman episode: BAM! SLAP! URRGGH! You guys know what I’m talking about. Please forgive yourself. You can turn it around, whatever you’re facing just by saying I wish my mistakes didn’t hurt so bad/cost me so much, but I am grateful for another day to make things better, to turn it around and the challenges only strengthen my testimony.

We were asked to encourage one another in His word (1 Thes. 3:2, 4:18) and you all came through for me. I got a call from my old friend Stephanie in Ann Arbor and she’s been listening to my show (I LOVE my show, but I have considered quitting because…I’m not going to be Dahgurl like yall know her and I don’t want to…it’s silly but this is the kinda stuff that plays in my head all of the time) and she talked about how this is my season and how she can just hear the shift to being more like the me before children/household management/homeschooling. Talked to Candace at church and she was telling me how she listens on her iPod every week while she’s at the gym. Oh and Marnita stopped me at the church picnic telling me how she’s so proud of me and loves hearing me do my thing. And then you guys…Yolanda, Michele, others of you…I just say Thank You for doing what we’re all called to do, so lastly, if you feel like you’re at the end of a short rope, encourage someone else, give them a kind word, a song, a scripture, a referral to a good massage therapist.

It can get lonely, confusing, daunting…even for the Can Do sistahs. I’ve had to learn to breathe through the panic and to write down the anxiety triggers. I know that once the major deals are closed, specifically the relocation to a better school district and the full-time employment at an above-entry level position is going to help tremendously. Life happens. Don’t let it knock you off your feet, but if it does, dust yourself off and hope you got a nice pedicure when everyone’s trying to figure out how to stand you back up and help you out (i.e. take care of you).

Us Mamas have to stay on top of our personal emotional, mental and physical health and appearance.  Thanks…I’m getting back on track/keep you posted…appreciate all of the love.

It’s been three weeks since four of my children have been in Michigan with both sets of their grandparents. Everything sounds well over the phone.  My oldest son, age 9, has taken on the challenge of reading the entire Harry Potter series in record breaking time. In two days, he completed Book One and was upset that he couldn’t complete Book Two in the same amount of time. My younger son did see his favorite book series in the library, but said “I am just going to read maybe two at a time. I don’t want to read forever like Kamari (the oldest son).” My newly five-year-old daughter has taken the role of Lil Mama to whole new level. She is learning her letters and numbers, still frustrated because I haven’t taught her to read yet and when I ask her if she’s been treating her brothers nicely, her response is, “Well, yeah, but one of them is calling me names, Kiserian (seven year old) shares with me sometimes and Khari (the BBB) is always talking baby and I don’t talk baby.”  Oh, the baby…well, let’s say he’s a record breaker. My dad, who loves to take the kids to those family-style buffet restaurants like Old Country Buffet or Fire Mountain Grill, has always had this Friday routine at his favorite place and the staff would always compliment him on how well the children behaved. Yesterday, Friday the 27th, was different. Dad called:

“Shawn, as you know I always get compliments on how well the Spence children behave when I take them places, but today, we did something different. We took the baby. Not only didn’t we get any compliments for the first time, we had one couple relocate and I think some people clapped when we left. The streak is now broken.”

Our little baby, the last Spence on our side, is blazing a new trail. Boyfriend is all-boy, full of life and he just doesn’t know what to do with all of that joy.

Neither does my mother.

She tries so hard not to say what’s on her mind, but she just can’t do it. See there were several reasons why we decided to let the kids visit and why they are visiting for a long period of time (I’m saying long, but it won’t be as long as it has been in the past) and one of those reasons is so that we can pack up and dedicate some time to looking for a house. We have attended workshops, looked into programs and it’s looking pretty bleak. Of course, my mom had to weigh in.

“So are you looking for a house?”

“Yes, mother. (I could tell by the tone in her voice that this conversation was going to give me a headache.)”

“And you’re still just looking in the city?”

“Yes mother. Most suburban communities are not built for 7 people in a home.”

“Well, that’s just ridiculous. You need to go somewhere so you can send this kids to school and don’t have the riff-raff hanging around your house like they do now.”

“I know how you feel about this mom, but communities with good schools have real high prices and higher taxes. We’re trying to get back on our feet, so we’re interested in something that will definitely increase in value over two years, but it won’t be our dream house.”

“I’ve seen what’s in Baltimore City and I couldn’t possibly have my family living in that mess. Your priorities are all out of whack.”

Ding. Ding. Ding. Round 1. She wins. I’m not going to let her attack me as usual right now.

“Thanks for watching the kids mom. Love you. Talk to you later.” And yes, I hung up.

Our parenting choices, life choices are always under scrutiny, always great fodder for the dinner chats. I would love to say that it doesn’t bother me, but it has taken a grave toll on me. I have to sort through the care, the constructive criticism and the negativity and the blatant attempts to break me and mold me into something that looks more like her vision for my life. Rarely, do I come back in these situations and tell her what I think, how I feel, what I know because I feel that I have to be quiet to show that I’m grateful and appreciative.

Isn’t that what we tell our children?

“Don’t complain about the asparagus…just eat it and be grateful Aunt Vicki made some for you. ” “I didn’t ask your opinion about the dress/the shoes/the class. This is what I want for you, so shut and be grateful.”

As I prepare for another exciting school year, I also dealing with the idea that DH would like me to put the kids in school as well because it would take some financial pressure off of us. I so get that, but there are so many other costs, some hidden, that no one but me seems to see.

If the charge for us as parents is to give the kids the best educational opportunities possible, then homeschooling is it for my family hands down. But I’m quietly fighting in a sinking ship…I’ve applied to be adjunct faculty at several colleges and universities…many are hiring business professors because of the evening executive education wave. I know something is going to break through for us in terms of housing and in terms of finances…just pray that I don’t snap or crumble in the process.

Ever been under a lot of pressure and felt that you would come out a better person in the end? Ever wondered why things were happening in your life and wanted to quit, cave, run in the opposite direction? Did the choices you make during this time represent fear or faith? Please share. I could use some company right now. 

Now, for those of you who have been checking out Dahgurl for awhile, you know that I try to keep my tirades under wraps, but thanks to an experience I had at church last night, I can no longer remain silent. For background sake, I was asked to teach a class on entrepreneurship to my daughter’s purity in life training class. I was so excited that my girlfriend has to pull me back from going to Staples, getting folders/badges/color-coded and tabbed 50 page curriculum. You know the overachieving perfectionist is bound to rear her ugly head when I get into teaching mode, especially teaching entrepreneurship. WHOA, NELLY!

I pulled myself back/realized that they are not enrolled in an executive MBA program/created some fun games like Name that Slogan and Truth or Fiction and packed for a class that was valued at $199/person easily. My daughter warned me that I was doing too much and betted that I was going to end up frustrated/disappointed/angry. I completely dismissed her comments, priding myself at being an engaging/interactive teacher, understanding of teenage issues and went into class with my expectations HIGH, real HIGH.

Well…well…well.

I don’t know how to tell you how I felt, but let me say that my daughter was rapidly compensated for her assessment. I couldn’t sleep last night because I was outdone and I don’t know what in the world…

Let’s start with an email that I sent to a youth minister at my church (whom I love) bright and early this morning.

Prior to the start of the class, Imani warned me that how I flow is not going to be received well by some of the kids and that I should not prepare all that I had prepared. I didn’t listen. Overall, it [the class] was good and I was glad to have done it, but I do have some concerns. From people talking and playing with their cell phones (which I should have taken, but was trying to get a feel for what they were used to) to people not even listening to others or involving others in their group, I don’t know how these children can expect to be successful in the larger world. They are not ready. Pastor raises the bar to the parents and we, as teachers, have to raise it even higher for the young people so that they don’t become stats. Read the rest of this entry »

Even though I am keeping myself busy (how can I not?), it is wierd having only one child and one who is pretty much independent and self-sufficient. I miss the rest of the crew, but I am enjoying this time with just me and Boo (I think I have to stop calling her that when she’s 13, right? Did you have a nickname? Do people close to you still use it? When did they stop?).

Anyway, Imani and I have been doing stuff we never could do with everyone else like window shop, watch “chick flicks” (and can I say that we need another category between PG-13 and rated R…some of the stuff I saw this weekend…too much for anyone between 13 and 17), make cookies/brownies and actually have them for more than a day, talk about stuff without getting interrupted. I’m excited, but I’m more excited for her. It takes a lot to be the oldest child (ooh, that reminds me that I have to review the New Birth Order Book) especially in a large family compounded by the fact that we homeschool. In other words, she doesn’t get a lot of time to kick back, be herself, learn about herself in solitude. She shares a room with her now 5 year old sister Niara who likes to hide things that don’t belong to her in strange places (like Imani’s glasses were once discovered in a shoe box behind Niara’s bed), who likes to turn every object into an art project (like Imani’s knitting yarn has been used as outfit for Niara’s teddy bear) and who isn’t very nice when she doesn’t get her way (“Imani, you are the worse sister ever.”-after Imani made her take off those black and pink argyle thick tights when it was 90 degrees outside). Like I said, it’s not easy. My friends tell me how mature yet age-appropriate she is (you know that’s important in this day and age where pre-teen daughters are telling their moms that they want to lipstick and push-up bras so that they can be sexy like Beyonce). I think she’s considerate, smart, sensible, goofy…definitely on her way to being 13, but when you hear about so many people who have teenager issues, it can rock your confidence a bit.

But yesterday, I got a much-needed confidence boost. Read the rest of this entry »

I often wonder do some of my children get more props, more blog time than others. When I was writing for the Parenting Post, I used to always take turns writing about each one of the children. Some of favorites, though, were about my younger son or technically, my middle child. Now, I’ve told you that I don’t like the title of “middle child” because that…that just sets you up for feeling torn, confused. So, instead of calling him the middle child or the younger boy, I’ve given him some nicknames that really match his personality like Old Soul, Love Machine, YPW (young prayer warrior), or the latest is Lil Man (remember earlier this week, he’s the one who has the style of walking around topless). He has always had this calm, helpful, laid-back personality. It’s been a wonderful contrast to my strong headed oldest son. I’ve always counted on him to go with the flow, not argue, n0t complain. But recently, all of this has changed and I don’t know how to handle it.

Sometimes as parents we can pinpoint a situation, an issue that may cause our children to change their outlook on life. For my oldest daughter, she had a couple of bully incidents which made her strengthen her confidence and learn to “be quiet and watch” and not assume that everyone is going to be friendly to you. My oldest son is just overall cautious, insightful and not easily influenced and I don’t expect him to change much. But with Kiserian? I just don’t know what happen. It’s like a full moon or his under arm odor (he doesn’t like baths or showers because they take too long and he doesn’t do a good job (since I often have to send him back because he left soap somewhere), so why bother?) has caused his personality to shift. He speaks up about what he doesn’t want, what he doesn’t like; he talks back to me and questions the decisions that I make; he is defiant and doesn’t want to listen to his siblings for help, for guidance, for anything. I just don’t know what to do other than yell, punish him, tell him that this is out of character and I want him to really think about his actions. He’s crying all of the time, throwing tantrums like he’s 3 year olds. Somebody, anybody, help a mama out, please!

Of course, I consulted DH, wondering if I should get him some counseling or something (hey, I am so pro-therapy for any and all…matter of fact, we need to include therapy in our universal health care plan) and DH, as always, thinks I’m overreacting. “He’s just getting older. He’s growing up, finding his way. Leave him alone and let him grow. ” So, what I heard was, “You got the problem, not him. Stop trying to hold on to his current characteristics. He’s only 7. We still don’t know who he really is. Let him find out and we just love him through it.” WHAT? I can’t take change…household dynamics are already in flux with a sorta grumpy teenager (she’s changing, you know), a bossy/tricky 4 year old girl (she’ll be 5 on Friday…I’ll tell you about her celebration then), a 9 year old who is reading everything he can get his hands on , but needs to develop some personal interaction skills and use his big brother status for good and not evil…did I mention a toddler who is throwing everything that’s not stuck to the ground?

I need stability. Lil Man was my stability. I could always count on him to bring in the love, bring in the peace. I’m praying that this phase doesn’t last long and that I can go back to something that I know…but chances of that are happening…next to impossible.

Are you experiencing some growing pains in your house? Have aliens invaded the bodies of your sweet, innocent ones and turned them into…children? How did you handle it? Did you go off the deep end like me or are hiding in a corner scared to face it? Share your story because sistah needs some help.