Well, I gotta tell you that I was not planning to do anything special for Mother’s Day, but a good friend of ours from college invited us to D.C. to have dinner and to just hang out. After a hectic day in the nursery at church (it’s once a month and I tell you…I couldn’t do more…it is not easy dealing with your children when you’re working…BBB, bighead, bigcheeked baby, for you new readers…he was off the hook), I took a nap, but the kids were so excited to go to our friend’s house. It warms my heart that we’ve extended their sphere of safe people and safe places. You all know that I just don’t let my kids hang out anywhere, especially at “family” gatherings, but this was different.
I got up late/we rushed to DC/food was good/fellowship was great and then…we got to talking. You know how we do after the grub, we have to sit and chat a bit.
I try to avoid touchy topics in mixed company. I’m pretty passionate about my issues-education, child rearing, family, politics. I just try to listen, but they kept drawing me in.
“Your daughter is so mature and well spoken. That is so awesome.”
“Thank you!” (Oh, the proud mama moments come just when you need them)
“I just don’t know how you do it with 5 kids. I take my hat off to you.”
“Thanks. It’s not easy, but it’s definitely worth it. I’m pretty hard on ‘em.” (Now why did I say that? I…I think I’m opening up a can)
See, I realized recently that not everyone is hard on their children. Actually, in my opinion, parents are a little soft, like pillow soft, like…punk soft. When did parents have to ask their children permission for stuff? When did children start sharing their feelings about what they don’t want to do? Ok, ok, I’m not going to tell you where the conversation led or who said what. Other than me making comments like,
“Walking out of my house looking like a trick on the street is not happening…no matter how much their exploring their femininty.”
“Who cares what other people are doing? I’m setting the friggin standards in this piece, I was chosen to carry them for 10 months, not society.”
“I don’t let my kids hang out with too many people at our house because my basic rule is if you’re hanging with mine, I’m treating yours like I do mine. If you don’t want them disciplined like I do it, keep your kids at home and we’ll meet at the park.”
Yeah, it sounds harsh to some, old-fashioned to others and you know what, I don’t care. You judge a tree by its fruit and ounce for ounce, I got good fruit.
So, to all of the mothers, young and old, who care enough about their children to show them the craziness of this world from a distance and to give them safe places to grow and flourish without getting sucked into the craziness, to the moms that are NOT being punked by their kids…Happy Mothers Day!

I’ve been a little sporadic this week in my writing, well, in my blogging. I write everyday. I have print journals again since the Fall Out of 2006 (if you don’t know, you gotta read here), so I’ve written there, but I didn’t think the info sorta applied here.

Unfortunately, the interaction and the mad love I have for all of you caused me to just go ahead and…let it all hang out.

Many of you have sent me emails and asked how am I handling being 4 kids short of my crew and I haven’t responded. Mostly because the truth is wierd, unexpected. See, DH and I have been having a hard time adjusting to a life with the other children. We’re not sleeping, our schedules/our flow is so off, so broken and I have been on edge, anxious since last Monday, the 9th. I placed all of these unrealistic expectations on myself/created these crazy to-do lists assuming that I can do all things with no children and I completely forgot that I’m human, that I have limitations. Well, that’s part of it.

There’s more and it’s difficult to share, but I hope it helps.

Being without my little people has caused me to face some hard truths about what the choice to be at home for as long as I have has cost me…I have impeccable administrative skills and I like to handle my business, but the challenges of my “business” being the same place where I’m supposed to have peace, show love, cook, entertain…People don’t understand “how I do it”! The truth is I wasn’t doing it and it caught up with me this week. I never found a middle ground, a system in my house that worked for everybody…I’ve thought about plenty, halfway implemented many, but nothing really stuck and I…I caved in. I threw the clothes on the floor in the closet because I was tired of labeling the drawers, teaching them to fod them and it seemed no one listened. I was the one who got the mail, threw on the abyss known as the dining room table and forgot about it once I fed the kids and sat down to rest my feet. When I tell you that I had mail from months ago cluttering up my file cabinets (you know the new ones that are serving as storage cabinets because I haven’t taken the time to organize the files…you know the assorted color hanging and file folders that are in the same drawer!) and I had…just thinking about it makes me want to choke…a collection notice from some agency for $8.90! When I called the company, completely embarrassed, we both just started laughing. How did my life just get so out of control?

It doesn’t take a rocket science to figure that out…2 jobs, 2 cross-country moves, an inventory-intensive in-home business (not any more, but the residue still exists), a coaching practice, 7 peoples personal history (medical/dental), car accidents, teaching 3 different grades, serving in ministry, holding offices in several different organizations…UGGH! You get the picture. It’s friggin’ nuts and I just realized how important it is for slow down and regroup, but the realization came at such a high price.

The price of personal peace, self-worth…see while I sat in a quiet room, doing my hypercritical/intense self-analysis plus talking to a new great gurlfriend, who happens to be a psychiatrist, I realized that I haven’t forgiven myself and that I’m losing sleep, having trouble breathing (as I looked at the piles and the credit reports and the…life) because I have time to focus on what I’m NOT instead of what I am.

See those little people who need food, help with math, counseling on how to get the last of the jelly out of the jar…they remind me of who I am, how wonderful of a job I’m doing. Although my oldest is here (and she is awesome by the way..I’ll talk about her in my next post), I feel like I should have been better, perfect…I should have never let the papers pile up, let the clothes stay in the basket…I just shouldn’t have done it. What’s wrong with me? My life isn’t that much…other women do it with less and this doesn’t happen to them.

Yup, I was selling tickets to a slamming self-loathing party and thank God, my girls Mia/Ce’/Dr. Green/Liana, weren’t buying it.

I’ve made mad progress this past week or so, conquering my fears, taking baby steps (like a bag of clothes a day or a box of clutter to get rid of a week) and I’ve had some great breakthroughs in this whole forgiving of myself. I had to watch my language, my diet (certain foods like sweets don’t help to clear your mental clutter), increase my exercise regiment (I had been walking 3 miles or so daily, but I put in a half mile to a mile jog and man has that helped), and I’ve opened up to people about how being a perfectionist (as much as I thought I had recovered) came flooding me the moment the kids were gone. It was like free reign to kick that obsessive-compulsive stuff into high gear. I’m task-oriented, performance-driven…I just didn’t think that being a SAHM was enough…no stats, nothing measurable, no reward ceremony, annual merit increase and I need that…well, I got that in these loving, insightful, joyous children who I direct, inspire, develop. I just lost sight of that. For a minute. The enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy…he knocked me down, but he won’t win.

Is there some aspect of your past choices, your past experiences that’s keeping you from moving forward? Are you carrying around some negative emotion, like unforgiveness/self-doubt, that has you afraid, stuck? Still thinking about that scam you invested in and how you lost your car? Mad at the shopping spree you went on because your friend was depressed and now your closet has clothes with tags on them that you don’t even like? Please share how you’re not getting over you! We promise not to buy tickets to your pity-party…just encourage you to change venues and move on.

Since my hiatus from the blog world earlier this year, I have some questions as to what works for blogging and what doesn’t or more importantly, what hasn’t worked yet. I hear that there are 8 million blogs out there (WHOA!) and everyone is talking about the world, their experiences, their research…from their perspective. It’s cool from a “see the real world” journalism perspective, but sometimes it’s a little weird.

Weird because everyone is searching the blogworld using keywords/categories such as parenting blog, business blog, technology blog, etc. when any one person could have legitimate information about any of these categories (if they find themselves comfortably knowledgeable or respectfully curious). So how do you increase readership, increase traffic when you’re not really sure what you are or in my case, don’t want to be boxed in? HO-HUM (that’s my sigh). Questions that may never have satisfactory answers.

How am I dealing with this?

Well, I’m going to keep my voice (funny, thought-provoking, open/naked, and hopefully yet jarring) and I’m going to write about what I want. Cool? I hope so.

Went to the grocery store early one morning after dropping DH off at work. It was about 7 a.m. As I pulled up to the store, there was a couple arguing in the parking lot, using the usual profanity. I parked my car as the male walked toward the store even though he had two to three full grocery store bags. I grab my cart and as I walk in the store, this same gentleman (used loosely for effect) was filling his grocery bags with a whole lot of new groceries. Our eyes connected and I just shook my head. As he rushed out of the store, those two to three bags looked more like 6 to 7 bags. The few employees of the store at that hour missed the whole thing.

Was I wrong to not have said anything to store officials? Was I wrong to have looked at him with judgement and disgust, well disappointment? It happened so fast…I want to hear from you all.

See, I had a lot of thoughts going on-most of them related to the mild depression that I feel more often than I care to admit as I walk, so full of life, among lost/displaced people whom represent our society’s walking dead/living yet dismissed. They are everywhere in the city and unfortunately in urban areas, they tend to be people of color. For a split second, I felt bad for the man who saw fit to steal food and then I felt bad because I have to pay for his need. I never thought I would care more about myself than I would the collective disenfranchised. I feel obligated, responsible for the lack of opportunities available to people and the hopelessness that’s running rampant in cities like Baltimore and Detroit. I want to do something about it, build institutions, fight for people and then the reality kicks in. I’m not apathetic and I do work in certain areas/for certain causes, but it’s not enough so I have to retreat to perserve the energy. Move out? Run away? Turn my head?

DH studies race and politics. We’ll always be a part of cities. The sadness/depression/frustration

/disgust/disappointment/fear…

well that’s a small price to pay for city living, right?

What would you do? How do you deal? Do you live in a city? How is it effecting you emotionally, spiritually, professionally?

After some confusion about ferry parking and a brief argument over where to get off the rotary (if you don’t have a rotary in your town, think National Lampoon’s European Vacation…the scene where they never can get off), we made it to the Woods Hole Ferry where we will dock on Vineyard Haven, Martha’s Vineyard, MA.

I talked to a friend of mine and told her that I was going to vacation on Cape Cod and Martha’s Vineyard and she immediately changed her voice to the haughty imitation of a bourgeois (boogee is the slang term for upper middle class or wannabees, implies a behavior of superiority or elitism) chick and says, “Oh, well. I’ll talk to you after your visit to the VIN-Yard.” I laughed and then I just hung up. I always thought of people who had summer homes or who went to resorts has been people who knew how to live. Summer is my favorite season and I believe that we all need a change of pace, a change of scenery and yes, there is a socioeconomic class that has this opportunity, but there is a lot we can learn if we’re open to new things and new experiences.

1. I haven’t heard a police siren, ambulance or fire truck for several days. I didn’t realize how noisy city living was until I came out here. I initially couldn’t sleep because it was TOO quiet. How crazy is that?

2. Trees are a much needed part of cultural existence and should be preserved. I didn’t understand (I mean theoretically I did) the effects of suburban sprawl and commercialism. My driving experience was instantly peaceful as I was able to drive stretches filled with trees, water, naturally created hills and cliffs. WOW! How awesome it is to LOOK at what’s around you instead of always thinking about what time it is, what you have to do when you get home.

3. The friendliest people I’ve ever met have been the people here on the Cape. I mean people are moving slower, looking for ways to help you, saying crazy things like “Ma’am would you like to sit? I’ll stand.” or “Excuse me.” I am not saying everybody is rude, but I do have to say that every week, I have an experience with someone who bumps into me, cuts me off or doesn’t say thank you when my children open the door for them. Manners are never out of style.

I have a ton of pictures and every picture has a story so you all will be hearing more about the trip and seeing the beauty of it all. My mom, my sisters and I have already decided to com back and bring all of the kids and stay for at least a week. This is the first vacation that we’ve been on together (and we’ve done family vacations as adults for many years) that we haven’t yelled at one another for running late or complained about spending too much money (I had to stop my parents for doing the annual Disney trip…another $6 hot dog and I was going to burst!). My mind has been expanded as I’ve seen people ride bikes, sit on beaches and just chill. I know it’s not high stress tourist season, but this was a perfect time for me to “do the Vineyard” as a novice.

A vacation comes when you really need it.

From the days in Ms. Pomerantz class, I knew I would be a writer. She introduced me to the eccentric ways of 20th century American literature authors such as Faulkner and Hemmingway. When I read Hemmingway’s bio and learned that he had home in the Florida Keys, I thought, “Man, a home where you just write? How cool is that!” Given Hemmingway’s fate, I didn’t want my home to be in the Keys. My best friend went to a writer’s camp in New Hampshire and he told me about how beautiful the region was and how it would be a great place for my summer writing excursion. Since I hadn’t been there, I didn’t have a lot to go on, but I always stored the possibility of New Hampshire being the locale for my future writing hot spot. For many years, I didn’t share my dream of a summer home with anyone, not even my husband. I don’t know why exactly I kept it to myself. Maybe I didn’t want anyone to shoot down my dream. Maybe I stopped believing in the dream of writing professionally after having taken almost 10 years off from my professional writing career. Maybe…maybe it’s easier to have a little bit of fantasy in your life to keep the mundane daily routines from looking so bleak.

Anyway, I picked up some of my heartfelt dreams/fantasies of the past recently and as a visual learner, I decided to visit a place that could be the future residence of my summer writing spot. The first stop on my summer home journey is the infamous Cape Cod. Why? The requirements are simple. Secluded, not heavily commercial, accessible and near a large body of water. I’ve always saw myself waking up to the sunset, sitting in a lounge chair and watching the waves come up on my feet while I mentally prepare the next twist or turn in my latest novel. Sounds crazy? I used to think so too until I made the trip today.

My mom, my sisters, my niece and I arrived in Boston this morning around 8 a.m., drove down Highway 3 to 6 and the scenery was beautiful. I love the winding roads on the BW Parkway and Baltimore has more trees than most urban areas, but to drive this route on a sunny, high 70s day was breathtaking, relaxing, energizing. I didn’t realize the effect that urban, fast-paced, high-noise, crowded living could have on a person until now.

A vacation comes when you really need it, even when you didn’t know how bad you needed it.

We spent today going to just a few of the beaches on the Cape Cod National Seashore. WOW! It is so incredible, so picturesque. I have a lot on my mind and I really need to get some rest–mental, physical and emotional. All I could think about was how much of my time “vacationing” was wasted at these tourist filled spots and I would return from the vacation needing a…vacation. I could finally see it. I told my mom she could drop me off at the beach with a chair and a notebook and I could stay there with the waves and the sand all day long. The sounds, the movements did what I always imagined–it was as if the pressure that I’ve felt over the past month from some toxic relationships, some bad decisions were being transferred to the ocean and then washed away with every tide flow. I got some business cards of some realtors in the area, so that I could carefully construct my vision board, vision plans.

Tomorrow, Martha’s Vineyard. We’re even going on a tour. Not sure if it is going to be as accessible as other parts of the Cape, but you know I gotta take pictures of all of the famous people’s cribs. For research purposes of course.

Been somewhere you’ve always wanted and were blown away by how awful it was? Thought about a childhood dream or fantasy that you’ve squashed that maybe you need to reconnect with? How about your fantasy living arrangements/vacation spot? Please share.