Unfortunately, the interaction and the mad love I have for all of you caused me to just go ahead and…let it all hang out.

Many of you have sent me emails and asked how am I handling being 4 kids short of my crew and I haven’t responded. Mostly because the truth is wierd, unexpected. See, DH and I have been having a hard time adjusting to a life with the other children. We’re not sleeping, our schedules/our flow is so off, so broken and I have been on edge, anxious since last Monday, the 9th. I placed all of these unrealistic expectations on myself/created these crazy to-do lists assuming that I can do all things with no children and I completely forgot that I’m human, that I have limitations. Well, that’s part of it.

There’s more and it’s difficult to share, but I hope it helps.

Being without my little people has caused me to face some hard truths about what the choice to be at home for as long as I have has cost me…I have impeccable administrative skills and I like to handle my business, but the challenges of my “business” being the same place where I’m supposed to have peace, show love, cook, entertain…People don’t understand “how I do it”! The truth is I wasn’t doing it and it caught up with me this week. I never found a middle ground, a system in my house that worked for everybody…I’ve thought about plenty, halfway implemented many, but nothing really stuck and I…I caved in. I threw the clothes on the floor in the closet because I was tired of labeling the drawers, teaching them to fod them and it seemed no one listened. I was the one who got the mail, threw on the abyss known as the dining room table and forgot about it once I fed the kids and sat down to rest my feet. When I tell you that I had mail from months ago cluttering up my file cabinets (you know the new ones that are serving as storage cabinets because I haven’t taken the time to organize the files…you know the assorted color hanging and file folders that are in the same drawer!) and I had…just thinking about it makes me want to choke…a collection notice from some agency for $8.90! When I called the company, completely embarrassed, we both just started laughing. How did my life just get so out of control?

It doesn’t take a rocket science to figure that out…2 jobs, 2 cross-country moves, an inventory-intensive in-home business (not any more, but the residue still exists), a coaching practice, 7 peoples personal history (medical/dental), car accidents, teaching 3 different grades, serving in ministry, holding offices in several different organizations…UGGH! You get the picture. It’s friggin’ nuts and I just realized how important it is for slow down and regroup, but the realization came at such a high price.

The price of personal peace, self-worth…see while I sat in a quiet room, doing my hypercritical/intense self-analysis plus talking to a new great gurlfriend, who happens to be a psychiatrist, I realized that I haven’t forgiven myself and that I’m losing sleep, having trouble breathing (as I looked at the piles and the credit reports and the…life) because I have time to focus on what I’m NOT instead of what I am.

See those little people who need food, help with math, counseling on how to get the last of the jelly out of the jar…they remind me of who I am, how wonderful of a job I’m doing. Although my oldest is here (and she is awesome by the way..I’ll talk about her in my next post), I feel like I should have been better, perfect…I should have never let the papers pile up, let the clothes stay in the basket…I just shouldn’t have done it. What’s wrong with me? My life isn’t that much…other women do it with less and this doesn’t happen to them.

Yup, I was selling tickets to a slamming self-loathing party and thank God, my girls Mia/Ce’/Dr. Green/Liana, weren’t buying it.

I’ve made mad progress this past week or so, conquering my fears, taking baby steps (like a bag of clothes a day or a box of clutter to get rid of a week) and I’ve had some great breakthroughs in this whole forgiving of myself. I had to watch my language, my diet (certain foods like sweets don’t help to clear your mental clutter), increase my exercise regiment (I had been walking 3 miles or so daily, but I put in a half mile to a mile jog and man has that helped), and I’ve opened up to people about how being a perfectionist (as much as I thought I had recovered) came flooding me the moment the kids were gone. It was like free reign to kick that obsessive-compulsive stuff into high gear. I’m task-oriented, performance-driven…I just didn’t think that being a SAHM was enough…no stats, nothing measurable, no reward ceremony, annual merit increase and I need that…well, I got that in these loving, insightful, joyous children who I direct, inspire, develop. I just lost sight of that. For a minute. The enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy…he knocked me down, but he won’t win.

Is there some aspect of your past choices, your past experiences that’s keeping you from moving forward? Are you carrying around some negative emotion, like unforgiveness/self-doubt, that has you afraid, stuck? Still thinking about that scam you invested in and how you lost your car? Mad at the shopping spree you went on because your friend was depressed and now your closet has clothes with tags on them that you don’t even like? Please share how you’re not getting over you! We promise not to buy tickets to your pity-party…just encourage you to change venues and move on.

Weird because everyone is searching the blogworld using keywords/categories such as parenting blog, business blog, technology blog, etc. when any one person could have legitimate information about any of these categories (if they find themselves comfortably knowledgeable or respectfully curious). So how do you increase readership, increase traffic when you’re not really sure what you are or in my case, don’t want to be boxed in? HO-HUM (that’s my sigh). Questions that may never have satisfactory answers.

How am I dealing with this?

Well, I’m going to keep my voice (funny, thought-provoking, open/naked, and hopefully yet jarring) and I’m going to write about what I want. Cool? I hope so.

Went to the grocery store early one morning after dropping DH off at work. It was about 7 a.m. As I pulled up to the store, there was a couple arguing in the parking lot, using the usual profanity. I parked my car as the male walked toward the store even though he had two to three full grocery store bags. I grab my cart and as I walk in the store, this same gentleman (used loosely for effect) was filling his grocery bags with a whole lot of new groceries. Our eyes connected and I just shook my head. As he rushed out of the store, those two to three bags looked more like 6 to 7 bags. The few employees of the store at that hour missed the whole thing.

Was I wrong to not have said anything to store officials? Was I wrong to have looked at him with judgement and disgust, well disappointment? It happened so fast…I want to hear from you all.

See, I had a lot of thoughts going on-most of them related to the mild depression that I feel more often than I care to admit as I walk, so full of life, among lost/displaced people whom represent our society’s walking dead/living yet dismissed. They are everywhere in the city and unfortunately in urban areas, they tend to be people of color. For a split second, I felt bad for the man who saw fit to steal food and then I felt bad because I have to pay for his need. I never thought I would care more about myself than I would the collective disenfranchised. I feel obligated, responsible for the lack of opportunities available to people and the hopelessness that’s running rampant in cities like Baltimore and Detroit. I want to do something about it, build institutions, fight for people and then the reality kicks in. I’m not apathetic and I do work in certain areas/for certain causes, but it’s not enough so I have to retreat to perserve the energy. Move out? Run away? Turn my head?

DH studies race and politics. We’ll always be a part of cities. The sadness/depression/frustration

/disgust/disappointment/fear…

well that’s a small price to pay for city living, right?

What would you do? How do you deal? Do you live in a city? How is it effecting you emotionally, spiritually, professionally?

I talked to a friend of mine and told her that I was going to vacation on Cape Cod and Martha’s Vineyard and she immediately changed her voice to the haughty imitation of a bourgeois (boogee is the slang term for upper middle class or wannabees, implies a behavior of superiority or elitism) chick and says, “Oh, well. I’ll talk to you after your visit to the VIN-Yard.” I laughed and then I just hung up. I always thought of people who had summer homes or who went to resorts has been people who knew how to live. Summer is my favorite season and I believe that we all need a change of pace, a change of scenery and yes, there is a socioeconomic class that has this opportunity, but there is a lot we can learn if we’re open to new things and new experiences.

1. I haven’t heard a police siren, ambulance or fire truck for several days. I didn’t realize how noisy city living was until I came out here. I initially couldn’t sleep because it was TOO quiet. How crazy is that?

2. Trees are a much needed part of cultural existence and should be preserved. I didn’t understand (I mean theoretically I did) the effects of suburban sprawl and commercialism. My driving experience was instantly peaceful as I was able to drive stretches filled with trees, water, naturally created hills and cliffs. WOW! How awesome it is to LOOK at what’s around you instead of always thinking about what time it is, what you have to do when you get home.

3. The friendliest people I’ve ever met have been the people here on the Cape. I mean people are moving slower, looking for ways to help you, saying crazy things like “Ma’am would you like to sit? I’ll stand.” or “Excuse me.” I am not saying everybody is rude, but I do have to say that every week, I have an experience with someone who bumps into me, cuts me off or doesn’t say thank you when my children open the door for them. Manners are never out of style.

I have a ton of pictures and every picture has a story so you all will be hearing more about the trip and seeing the beauty of it all. My mom, my sisters and I have already decided to com back and bring all of the kids and stay for at least a week. This is the first vacation that we’ve been on together (and we’ve done family vacations as adults for many years) that we haven’t yelled at one another for running late or complained about spending too much money (I had to stop my parents for doing the annual Disney trip…another $6 hot dog and I was going to burst!). My mind has been expanded as I’ve seen people ride bikes, sit on beaches and just chill. I know it’s not high stress tourist season, but this was a perfect time for me to “do the Vineyard” as a novice.

From the days in Ms. Pomerantz class, I knew I would be a writer. She introduced me to the eccentric ways of 20th century American literature authors such as Faulkner and Hemmingway. When I read Hemmingway’s bio and learned that he had home in the Florida Keys, I thought, “Man, a home where you just write? How cool is that!” Given Hemmingway’s fate, I didn’t want my home to be in the Keys. My best friend went to a writer’s camp in New Hampshire and he told me about how beautiful the region was and how it would be a great place for my summer writing excursion. Since I hadn’t been there, I didn’t have a lot to go on, but I always stored the possibility of New Hampshire being the locale for my future writing hot spot. For many years, I didn’t share my dream of a summer home with anyone, not even my husband. I don’t know why exactly I kept it to myself. Maybe I didn’t want anyone to shoot down my dream. Maybe I stopped believing in the dream of writing professionally after having taken almost 10 years off from my professional writing career. Maybe…maybe it’s easier to have a little bit of fantasy in your life to keep the mundane daily routines from looking so bleak.

Anyway, I picked up some of my heartfelt dreams/fantasies of the past recently and as a visual learner, I decided to visit a place that could be the future residence of my summer writing spot. The first stop on my summer home journey is the infamous Cape Cod. Why? The requirements are simple. Secluded, not heavily commercial, accessible and near a large body of water. I’ve always saw myself waking up to the sunset, sitting in a lounge chair and watching the waves come up on my feet while I mentally prepare the next twist or turn in my latest novel. Sounds crazy? I used to think so too until I made the trip today.

My mom, my sisters, my niece and I arrived in Boston this morning around 8 a.m., drove down Highway 3 to 6 and the scenery was beautiful. I love the winding roads on the BW Parkway and Baltimore has more trees than most urban areas, but to drive this route on a sunny, high 70s day was breathtaking, relaxing, energizing. I didn’t realize the effect that urban, fast-paced, high-noise, crowded living could have on a person until now.

A vacation comes when you really need it, even when you didn’t know how bad you needed it.

We spent today going to just a few of the beaches on the Cape Cod National Seashore. WOW! It is so incredible, so picturesque. I have a lot on my mind and I really need to get some rest–mental, physical and emotional. All I could think about was how much of my time “vacationing” was wasted at these tourist filled spots and I would return from the vacation needing a…vacation. I could finally see it. I told my mom she could drop me off at the beach with a chair and a notebook and I could stay there with the waves and the sand all day long. The sounds, the movements did what I always imagined–it was as if the pressure that I’ve felt over the past month from some toxic relationships, some bad decisions were being transferred to the ocean and then washed away with every tide flow. I got some business cards of some realtors in the area, so that I could carefully construct my vision board, vision plans.

Tomorrow, Martha’s Vineyard. We’re even going on a tour. Not sure if it is going to be as accessible as other parts of the Cape, but you know I gotta take pictures of all of the famous people’s cribs. For research purposes of course.

Been somewhere you’ve always wanted and were blown away by how awful it was? Thought about a childhood dream or fantasy that you’ve squashed that maybe you need to reconnect with? How about your fantasy living arrangements/vacation spot? Please share.

How do you rebound or better yet how do you balamce and function on days like this? I mean, I felt so critical of myself and every one else, so overanalytical of me and my “state of the existence.”

I was thinking about what my address to the powers would be…

Well, we’ve overcome some bad habits and are continuing to fight in the War Against Clutter. Clutter does have strongholds in the girls bedroom and in the school room, but we are going to send in additional troops to find the rebel forces and get more territory reflective of our commitment to Operation Home Freedom. I know that some of you have been critical about my up and down emotions on this matter and I assure that my resolve is stronger than ever and with the help of Advil, chocolate, prayer and maybe group therapy, I will continue to fight for what I believe is the key to my overall survival. Thank you all for your support.

Yeah, I think I need a regular State of Our Family address in my house. I just feel like I’m pushing the kids to be better and to overcome their bad habits/embrace their strengths and maybe once again, I am asking too much or not giving them the tools. Then I feel like I need to give my husband some heads up before I start on another self-improvement crusade. He never knows what kind of charts/letter/boards I’ll have around the house. I guess that’s good, but I think I’ve decided to just…well, at least for today, I getting ready to go on a retreat, so instead of trying something new or ragging on what isn’t done, I’m just going to tighten up the routine/act like everyone else and just stop being live, changing, observing, Today, I’m just going memorex, so I can get ready for a well-deserved time away this weekend.

Throughout my time as a SAHM (over 10 years now), I always felt that I need to be doing something more, as if raising my children was not enough. I sought out opprtunities to help people, get involved with projects, so that my life would matter, like so I could feel useful. Yeah, that’s it. My DH often pointed this out and how I needed to just relax because I put too much pressure on myself and of course, in that season of my life, I was not listening. It costs me. I was hurt, mistreated, slandered, harassed and even got accused of a crime because someone want to steal my idea and make for their own, so they had to get me out of the way and try to discredit me. Oh! It cost me. DH is my protector, my stablizing force and man, he’s had to put up with a lot.

Ok! That was years ago and I’m restored. I harbor no ill-will toward folks. Shoot, I’ve even had a few folks come back to apologize. I’ve moved on and have decided to be more mindful about seasons and not try to seek stuff out. I want to be blessing and I want to share all that God has given me to the masses, but I’ve been holding on, holding back because I needed to get my attitude right, my spirit strengthen because what I know is the higher the level, the bigger the devil. If you have a great work that you feel passionate about, prepare for opposition. Oooo, I’m being prepared for a big thing and I can feel the stretching, the restraint, the patience. UGGGH! It’s not easy, but it is necessary.

I am in a bit of a…an alternate extreme state (I was getting ready to say chaos/psychosis, but I am not claiming ANY instability) and I know that this is where God wants me. I am involved in, without any seeking out of my own, merely obeying where I feel God has called me, 2 powerful groups. Can’t give the names (not important to the dialogue), but check out how they’re stretching me, growing me, developing skills in me, preparing me.

The first group is larger than the second and is filled with leaders, not too many followers and I’m the appointed leader of the group. I’ve been challenged by the lack of communication among the group even though they are professionals. I don’t flow well with people who need to hear themselves talk and not listen while others are talking. It is funny watching the dynamics. I had a meeting recently and I brought an outline/mindmap/notes from the last meeting (oh, I am the chair, but no one has stepped up to be co-chair or secretary…wonder why?) and before I could get started, our advisor had to come and facilitate the meeting because we had already had a blow-up at the previous meeting. I always want people to sit in a circle/get close together/learn one another’s name. No, not this group and I’ve been praying as to why God set this up for me like this. I actually feel like I’m being disregarded and ignored. Not because I’m sensitive. Yall know me better than that, but because there are really too many strong, guarded, tense personalities and I’m just too open, too…ME. I’m in the right place, right time, but not feeling impactful, which is weird because I don’t put my hand to something and not give it my all, not make a difference. WOW! I can’t wait to see how God is going to use me to work through this group. I’m being prepared for something and it is not easy. It actually hurts in my body, so I know this is exercising me spiritually.
Now, I’m in a second group that is just as powerful, smaller group, and it is flowing so well, so smooth. People are communicating freely, not afraid to appear vulnerable and not knowledgeable. Humbling themselves to say Oh, I’ve done that AND I can help you. No real structure, not a lot of previous background in the area we all are organizing/encouraging one another and man, right place, right time, huge impact, gets me up in the morning, keeps me on the computer, becoming the springboard for me to kick my coaching/writing/professional speaking training and booking business into high gear. I told DH that this is truly ordained and orchestrated by the Most High because I wasn’t looking/I didn’t hang my “looking for something to keep me useful” shingle out. I was actually doing the opposite, being cautious, walking away from opportunity. My prayer was something like this:

” Lord, please don’t let me go before you. You’ve ordered my steps. Help me to be a better follower and a calmer/wiser/discerning spirit. Please remove from my life the wrong stuff, the stuff that’s not for me right now because you know I need help in this area. Bring people in my path that aren’t just trying to suck me dry, but who are also trying to give into my life. Balance me out, Lord so that I can better glorify you.”

Isn’t that what we want? Balance? Support? Direction? I’m being stretched in these groups and I’m respecting this place. It makes me uncomfortable knowing that I prepared an agenda for the first group and it wasn’t even distributed because we had to redirect some of the…of the different personalities. I felt like a little kid when our advisor had to come and facilitate for us. But I understand process, appreciate help and respect what God has for me to learn from this. The second group is causing me to reevaluate my schedule and consider doing more training of my daughter to work for me doing typing, design and video work. I have so many projects, ideas in my belly that laid dormant until now. I’m finally surrounded by people who want more for their lives and aren’t afraid to take a chance.

After a six year waiting period (ooo, if you are interested in reading a scripture that has blessed me in this sixth year, read Lev. 25:21), actually I am in my sixth year, which started in July, I am going to reap my harvest that will build a legacy for my family. Everytime I encouraged someone to stay in their marriage, it strengthened mine. Every time I helped someone else write a book/build a business/sell a product/follow their dream, it’s coming back to me. I don’t want to start preaching today (wooo, I could shout right now), but I will say if you really want something to happen in your life, do that something for someone else, without expecting an immediate natural return (email me if you need this clarified), without drama/envy/pettiness. Just do it so that you can learn something/grow in an area/enjoy their joy because

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. (Galatians 6:9)

This developing of people, sharing my experience in a loving, non-judgemental and humourous fashion is my calling and these 2 groups are just the beginning of my on-the-job training. I’m stirring up gifts and bring them forth. Next week, Tuesday, I will be posting some information on this new project. You guys helped me through it. Can’t wait to share.

“Shawn, do you ever notice how many obese people are at the buffet? Look at all of the stuff that he is putting on that plate. And do you notice that they travel in large groups so they won’t notice that they are huge? It’s sad, I tell you, real sad.”

Oooo, Daddy. I can’t believe that you would say that out loud. I’m standing there watching people put so much on their plate and thinkin’ “Don’t they realize that that’s not healthy, that that’s too much. Aren’t they going to get sick or even worse, don’t they care about their quality of life?” Hmmph. I think some of my friends are looking at me like I’m looking at the overweight/obese folks at the buffet.

I have a lot on my plate. True dat. Yet, I feel a little compassion for the people at the buffet because they’re always there, they’re used to going up to the line 10 times or more. Having a lot on their plate is just their m.o. and I’m the same way. I remember Joyce Meyer saying at a conference I attended that she’s had young adults working for her and after 2 to 3 weeks, they would quit because they were so tired, so overwhelmed and they didn’t know how she was able to handle everything on her plate. Her response: This is what God gave me to do. Don’t ever try to figure me out because you ain’t me. Figure out what works for you and just be who God called you to be. Man, she set me free that day. No, I am not comparing myself/my life/my schedule to that of an international author/teacher/television evangelist, but what she said about herself does apply directly to me. I’m in line at the buffet AGAIN and as much as I get down/frustrated, I feel that this is who God made me and leadership is another way that God plans to use me for the kingdom and I…I’m done running.

Here’s the deal: For as long as I can remember, I’ve been the leader. I was sitting in Mrs. Jones Kindergarten class and I was helping the other kids read and learn their letters. She moved me to the other Mrs. Jones class (3rd grade at the age of 5, oooh, I won’t go there right now) and Mrs. Ella Jones (one of my favorite teachers) said “You sit in the front. I can tell you want to know what’s going on.” Even after the kids tried to beat me up and get me to do their homework, she said “I see the strength in you. You can’t be broken. You’re a leader.” Although I didn’t stay in the 3rd grade long (my family was beginning to fear for my safety and my cousin advocated that I would be socially disfunctional if I went to college at the age of 14), I remembered what Ms. Ella Rae said and she was the first one that I recall saying it, but I’ve heard it all of my life. I could be sitting somewhere minding my own business and I get recruited to do something, run something, build something. It sounds burdensome, but I believe it’s my lot in life. It bothers people who are close to me. They want to protect me –”You’re just doing too much. You gonna crash and burn. Don’t end up like your cousin/aunt now (that’s the strain of mental illness amongst women in my family that just kinda hovers over everyone and no one wants to address it) or they want to console me/pity me/try to understand me–”Why do you put some much in your plate? You can’t possibly do anything well. Are you avoiding something?” I’ve had many years to adjust/accept/understand/reject these responses. I’m trusting God in a way that I haven’t in a long time and I’m pretty excited. He trusts me, so I gotta do a better job at trusting Him.

Let’s see what I have on my plate now.

Wife of traveling public intellectual with a few irons in the fire. Check. Mother of 5 children. Check. Homeschooling 4 of them. Check. Household Manager. Check. President of one of the largest African American homeschool groups in the area. Check. Writer of the best blog for women ever. (Woo..whoo. Thanks Ce’ for checking my negative thinking. I know that there are more than 6 of you and I’m believing God for some awards/rewards next year, so I won’t talk like that anymore). Check. Now, Oopps…wait…gotta get another plate in my second hand because you know the true people at the buffet got 2!! full plates, one in each hand. Ok…got the second plate…let’s put weekly blogger at Parenting.com over there. Check. Sister/Friend/Coach/Daughter to many. Ah, two checks. And the latest spoonful on the second plate. Leader of a developing business ministry at my church.

Uggh…stop looking at me…I know it seems like a lot, but I’m not going to get in a big group like the people my dad talked about…I’m kinda used to flying solo in this section of the buffet…no, I really can handle it because I’m not totally solo. My partner is bad, might I even say supernaturally bad, He can handle it. He can even stop me if I did something, put something there that wasn’t supposed to be there. Just knowing that He got my back made the plates a little lighter.

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“I don’t know where that chil’ come from. It’s like she know stuff and if she don’t know, she go to dem books and figure out. That’s strange, but that’s special.”

In the eyes of my Mississippi-raised maternal grandparents and their extended families that had migrated to Detroit for a better way of life, I was a strange child. There was only two books in the house, the Bible and the dictionary, and I don’t recall ever going to the library, the bookstore, but I started reading right before I turned three. Nowadays that seems like the goal of the private preschools, but this was a big shock to my humble, hard-working sparingly-educated family. As the oldest grandchild and a perceived prodigy, I was expected to do great and marvelous things to make my family proud. I did most of what they expected too. From academic game trophies to debutante ball awards to more college degrees than any of the previous generations, I sought the favor, the recognition and the insurmountable responsibility of my family for over 20 years. Yeah, some people shy away from being The One, but me…I thought that it was natural, it was who I am. I gained a great deal from the faith and strong silence of my grandfather and the demanding and hardworking nature of my grandmother…

Stop…this is too far back in my life right? And it doesn’t include where my parents came into my life because I don’t want them to feel like they weren’t important. Ok, so let’s go here, a more current sorta me…Take 2

I was lied to when they told me it would be easy,straightforward. All of the books, training classes, research wasn’t enough. I toss and turn in my sleep because for once I don’t know the answers, actually since I’ve been at home with children doing this whole housewife/mom thing, even the questions have changed. At restless times when irritability and frustration are at their highest, I try to foster blame. It was my family telling me that I could be anything I wanted to be if I worked hard. No, they have to say that, right? It’s in the parent rule book. No, it was the Pastor who said that God will give you the desire of your heart, but he left out the part about trusting him, seeking him, believing and not doubting. How do I get to the trust of Him when all I ever knew was to trust myself?

Being the oldest daughter and grandchild and being a woman in a Southern family that believed that in “raising your daughters and loving your sons” is a big cross I bear. It’s engrained in my interactions with people. I don’t like excuses, whining (had enough from all of those babies in the family…smile). I’m brutally honest, which was part of my deliverance from being silenced and from keeping secrets that I saw destroyed people. I like getting to source of the matter. Phony folks and hypocrites…all around, not by choice. I actually think they’re everywhere, especially since pretending seems to be better than changing,making it better. Cool, I guess.
Trust. Oooo…for such a small word, it’s loaded. So is faith, power, doubt…Hmmm…we need to be concerned about the 5-letter words, not the four letter words, except for fear and hell, but that’s another post. I trusted myself for awhile, but it was hard to incorporate that trust in a marriage, rightfully so, I opened myself up. Then becoming a parent made me doubt everything about myself because I’ve been so friggin independent minded. I’ve been accused of being more of the “happily single” type–”There’s nothing wrong with that. Not everybody is supposed to get married and have kids. You should be okay with that, right?” Once I became a mother (didn’t know how to do it), then a housewife (really, really didn’t know how to do that), I stopped listening to myself because I didn’t have anything…uh…helpful to say. Now that I’m starting to listen, I think everyone, well at least my loyal 6 readers (smile) would appreciate what I’m saying.

Now, how was Take 2? Too much? Not enough? Telling? I…I just don’t know what to say other than the fact that I want to help people and I want to use my experiences to help others. Did I get that message across in this second attempt.
Really? Am I tripping? Will people listen, pick up my book and get something out of it? I don’t know how to get to the core of my intent to help people, specifically women, feel like they are not alone, to feel like they got a coach, a gurlfriend who can “feel” their pain and who herself is an overcomer, conqueror even while still in battle. Can I say that in the book proposal? Will that get the message across about who I am?
Thanks for listening to a couple of feeble attempts at writing about who I am and why do I feel worthy to share or more importantly, why do I think people want to listen, will listen? I’ll let you all know when I get closer to completion. It better be done soon because I don’t want to drag this on because the book is almost done. Just gotta work on getting the proposal tight and in the right hands. You all are the greatest sounding board ever!