When I look at my life, I think about how blessed I’ve been. It started out with a good foundation-loving, extended family that protected me, gave me guidance, but most of all, encouraged me as myself. Well, for the most part. I emerged out of a controlling, loving environment a whole person. Despite the rampages of my mother and the two hour lectures from my father, I’m a whole person without scars, baggage, generational foolishness. Yep, I’m good, but I wonder how will my children turn out. Am I creating an environment for them to be all that God created for them to be? What an incredible responsibility this parenting thing is. Where was my mind when I decided/accepted the role of mother/teacher/counselor? Find out how I’m doing behind the scenes when you read this week’s Parenting Post.

After 40 minutes of wrestling with BBB (Bighead Bigcheeked Baby), who is bright-eyed and loud, I am awake watching Sesame Street on Sprout at 5:00 in the morning. On any other day, I would think this was a sign, a blessing, but today, well yesterday was the first day of my cycle and I’m convinced that I have to take some kind of supplement, some kind of major diet adjustment the week before because I got issues. I mean, real issues. I’ve had my cycle since I was 9 and in my teens, really before I had kids, I just recall extreme pain, vomiting and almost being unable to move for a day or so. Once I had children, the cramps and discomfort decreased tremendously, but after my fourth child, ovulating became more difficult than my cycles. I’ve had PMS, but after this month, I know that something is not right. Now, I have a natural practioner who is giving me some help, but I was caught off guard by the intense emotions of this cycle–depression, agitation, irritability at every thing, pressure. WOW! I can’t imagine feeling like this every day. I’ve got to address this because I could have hurt someone yesterday.

How do you rebound or better yet how do you balamce and function on days like this? I mean, I felt so critical of myself and every one else, so overanalytical of me and my “state of the existence.”

I was thinking about what my address to the powers would be…

Well, we’ve overcome some bad habits and are continuing to fight in the War Against Clutter. Clutter does have strongholds in the girls bedroom and in the school room, but we are going to send in additional troops to find the rebel forces and get more territory reflective of our commitment to Operation Home Freedom. I know that some of you have been critical about my up and down emotions on this matter and I assure that my resolve is stronger than ever and with the help of Advil, chocolate, prayer and maybe group therapy, I will continue to fight for what I believe is the key to my overall survival. Thank you all for your support.

Yeah, I think I need a regular State of Our Family address in my house. I just feel like I’m pushing the kids to be better and to overcome their bad habits/embrace their strengths and maybe once again, I am asking too much or not giving them the tools. Then I feel like I need to give my husband some heads up before I start on another self-improvement crusade. He never knows what kind of charts/letter/boards I’ll have around the house. I guess that’s good, but I think I’ve decided to just…well, at least for today, I getting ready to go on a retreat, so instead of trying something new or ragging on what isn’t done, I’m just going to tighten up the routine/act like everyone else and just stop being live, changing, observing, Today, I’m just going memorex, so I can get ready for a well-deserved time away this weekend.

As you can tell from my every other day entries that life is getting just a little hectic around here, but for once, for the first time in my life, it is natural hecticness that has come from my desire to line up with God’s plan and purpose for my life. The past few days, really weeks, have been full of so many emotions that I gotta tell you I have started another print journal and maybe even consider a mini-video. Sounds crazy? Here’s my attempt at trying to explain what’s going on.

Throughout my time as a SAHM (over 10 years now), I always felt that I need to be doing something more, as if raising my children was not enough. I sought out opprtunities to help people, get involved with projects, so that my life would matter, like so I could feel useful. Yeah, that’s it. My DH often pointed this out and how I needed to just relax because I put too much pressure on myself and of course, in that season of my life, I was not listening. It costs me. I was hurt, mistreated, slandered, harassed and even got accused of a crime because someone want to steal my idea and make for their own, so they had to get me out of the way and try to discredit me. Oh! It cost me. DH is my protector, my stablizing force and man, he’s had to put up with a lot.

Ok! That was years ago and I’m restored. I harbor no ill-will toward folks. Shoot, I’ve even had a few folks come back to apologize. I’ve moved on and have decided to be more mindful about seasons and not try to seek stuff out. I want to be blessing and I want to share all that God has given me to the masses, but I’ve been holding on, holding back because I needed to get my attitude right, my spirit strengthen because what I know is the higher the level, the bigger the devil. If you have a great work that you feel passionate about, prepare for opposition. Oooo, I’m being prepared for a big thing and I can feel the stretching, the restraint, the patience. UGGGH! It’s not easy, but it is necessary.

I am in a bit of a…an alternate extreme state (I was getting ready to say chaos/psychosis, but I am not claiming ANY instability) and I know that this is where God wants me. I am involved in, without any seeking out of my own, merely obeying where I feel God has called me, 2 powerful groups. Can’t give the names (not important to the dialogue), but check out how they’re stretching me, growing me, developing skills in me, preparing me. Read the rest of this entry »

My father is awful. He says the meanest stuff about people at the buffet, even though he likes buffets and he is not the thinest man in the world.

“Shawn, do you ever notice how many obese people are at the buffet? Look at all of the stuff that he is putting on that plate. And do you notice that they travel in large groups so they won’t notice that they are huge? It’s sad, I tell you, real sad.”

Oooo, Daddy. I can’t believe that you would say that out loud. I’m standing there watching people put so much on their plate and thinkin’ “Don’t they realize that that’s not healthy, that that’s too much. Aren’t they going to get sick or even worse, don’t they care about their quality of life?” Hmmph. I think some of my friends are looking at me like I’m looking at the overweight/obese folks at the buffet.

I have a lot on my plate. True dat. Yet, I feel a little compassion for the people at the buffet because they’re always there, they’re used to going up to the line 10 times or more. Having a lot on their plate is just their m.o. and I’m the same way. I remember Joyce Meyer saying at a conference I attended that she’s had young adults working for her and after 2 to 3 weeks, they would quit because they were so tired, so overwhelmed and they didn’t know how she was able to handle everything on her plate. Her response: This is what God gave me to do. Don’t ever try to figure me out because you ain’t me. Figure out what works for you and just be who God called you to be. Man, she set me free that day. No, I am not comparing myself/my life/my schedule to that of an international author/teacher/television evangelist, but what she said about herself does apply directly to me. I’m in line at the buffet AGAIN and as much as I get down/frustrated, I feel that this is who God made me and leadership is another way that God plans to use me for the kingdom and I…I’m done running.

Here’s the deal: For as long as I can remember, I’ve been the leader. I was sitting in Mrs. Jones Kindergarten class and I was helping the other kids read and learn their letters. She moved me to the other Mrs. Jones class (3rd grade at the age of 5, oooh, I won’t go there right now) and Mrs. Ella Jones (one of my favorite teachers) said “You sit in the front. I can tell you want to know what’s going on.” Even after the kids tried to beat me up and get me to do their homework, she said “I see the strength in you. You can’t be broken. You’re a leader.” Although I didn’t stay in the 3rd grade long (my family was beginning to fear for my safety and my cousin advocated that I would be socially disfunctional if I went to college at the age of 14), I remembered what Ms. Ella Rae said and she was the first one that I recall saying it, but I’ve heard it all of my life. I could be sitting somewhere minding my own business and I get recruited to do something, run something, build something. It sounds burdensome, but I believe it’s my lot in life. It bothers people who are close to me. They want to protect me –”You’re just doing too much. You gonna crash and burn. Don’t end up like your cousin/aunt now (that’s the strain of mental illness amongst women in my family that just kinda hovers over everyone and no one wants to address it) or they want to console me/pity me/try to understand me–”Why do you put some much in your plate? You can’t possibly do anything well. Are you avoiding something?” I’ve had many years to adjust/accept/understand/reject these responses. I’m trusting God in a way that I haven’t in a long time and I’m pretty excited. He trusts me, so I gotta do a better job at trusting Him.

Let’s see what I have on my plate now.

Wife of traveling public intellectual with a few irons in the fire. Check. Mother of 5 children. Check. Homeschooling 4 of them. Check. Household Manager. Check. President of one of the largest African American homeschool groups in the area. Check. Writer of the best blog for women ever. (Woo..whoo. Thanks Ce’ for checking my negative thinking. I know that there are more than 6 of you and I’m believing God for some awards/rewards next year, so I won’t talk like that anymore). Check. Now, Oopps…wait…gotta get another plate in my second hand because you know the true people at the buffet got 2!! full plates, one in each hand. Ok…got the second plate…let’s put weekly blogger at Parenting.com over there. Check. Sister/Friend/Coach/Daughter to many. Ah, two checks. And the latest spoonful on the second plate. Leader of a developing business ministry at my church.

Uggh…stop looking at me…I know it seems like a lot, but I’m not going to get in a big group like the people my dad talked about…I’m kinda used to flying solo in this section of the buffet…no, I really can handle it because I’m not totally solo. My partner is bad, might I even say supernaturally bad, He can handle it. He can even stop me if I did something, put something there that wasn’t supposed to be there. Just knowing that He got my back made the plates a little lighter.

I feel comfortable sharing with you all because quite honestly, I’m not always comfortable other places. People don’t know that about me because I’ve learned to co-exist in many circles, all the while wanting to get away/break free. I am behind almost a week in my deadline for my book proposal. It’s a self-imposed deadline and I don’t like letting myself down. People always tell me that they don’t know why I don’t prioritize, why I try to do so much and I…well, I decided to try to come up with an answer right here at DahGurl.

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“I don’t know where that chil’ come from. It’s like she know stuff and if she don’t know, she go to dem books and figure out. That’s strange, but that’s special.”

In the eyes of my Mississippi-raised maternal grandparents and their extended families that had migrated to Detroit for a better way of life, I was a strange child. There was only two books in the house, the Bible and the dictionary, and I don’t recall ever going to the library, the bookstore, but I started reading right before I turned three. Nowadays that seems like the goal of the private preschools, but this was a big shock to my humble, hard-working sparingly-educated family. As the oldest grandchild and a perceived prodigy, I was expected to do great and marvelous things to make my family proud. I did most of what they expected too. From academic game trophies to debutante ball awards to more college degrees than any of the previous generations, I sought the favor, the recognition and the insurmountable responsibility of my family for over 20 years. Yeah, some people shy away from being The One, but me…I thought that it was natural, it was who I am. I gained a great deal from the faith and strong silence of my grandfather and the demanding and hardworking nature of my grandmother…

Stop…this is too far back in my life right? And it doesn’t include where my parents came into my life because I don’t want them to feel like they weren’t important. Ok, so let’s go here, a more current sorta me…Take 2

I was lied to when they told me it would be easy,straightforward. All of the books, training classes, research wasn’t enough. I toss and turn in my sleep because for once I don’t know the answers, actually since I’ve been at home with children doing this whole housewife/mom thing, even the questions have changed. At restless times when irritability and frustration are at their highest, I try to foster blame. It was my family telling me that I could be anything I wanted to be if I worked hard. No, they have to say that, right? It’s in the parent rule book. No, it was the Pastor who said that God will give you the desire of your heart, but he left out the part about trusting him, seeking him, believing and not doubting. How do I get to the trust of Him when all I ever knew was to trust myself?

Being the oldest daughter and grandchild and being a woman in a Southern family that believed that in “raising your daughters and loving your sons” is a big cross I bear. It’s engrained in my interactions with people. I don’t like excuses, whining (had enough from all of those babies in the family…smile). I’m brutally honest, which was part of my deliverance from being silenced and from keeping secrets that I saw destroyed people. I like getting to source of the matter. Phony folks and hypocrites…all around, not by choice. I actually think they’re everywhere, especially since pretending seems to be better than changing,making it better. Cool, I guess.
Trust. Oooo…for such a small word, it’s loaded. So is faith, power, doubt…Hmmm…we need to be concerned about the 5-letter words, not the four letter words, except for fear and hell, but that’s another post. I trusted myself for awhile, but it was hard to incorporate that trust in a marriage, rightfully so, I opened myself up. Then becoming a parent made me doubt everything about myself because I’ve been so friggin independent minded. I’ve been accused of being more of the “happily single” type–”There’s nothing wrong with that. Not everybody is supposed to get married and have kids. You should be okay with that, right?” Once I became a mother (didn’t know how to do it), then a housewife (really, really didn’t know how to do that), I stopped listening to myself because I didn’t have anything…uh…helpful to say. Now that I’m starting to listen, I think everyone, well at least my loyal 6 readers (smile) would appreciate what I’m saying.

Now, how was Take 2? Too much? Not enough? Telling? I…I just don’t know what to say other than the fact that I want to help people and I want to use my experiences to help others. Did I get that message across in this second attempt.
Really? Am I tripping? Will people listen, pick up my book and get something out of it? I don’t know how to get to the core of my intent to help people, specifically women, feel like they are not alone, to feel like they got a coach, a gurlfriend who can “feel” their pain and who herself is an overcomer, conqueror even while still in battle. Can I say that in the book proposal? Will that get the message across about who I am?
Thanks for listening to a couple of feeble attempts at writing about who I am and why do I feel worthy to share or more importantly, why do I think people want to listen, will listen? I’ll let you all know when I get closer to completion. It better be done soon because I don’t want to drag this on because the book is almost done. Just gotta work on getting the proposal tight and in the right hands. You all are the greatest sounding board ever!