I don’t know about any of you, but as a coach and as a friend, counselor, sister…all-around “tell everybody else how to make themselves and their lives better while my life under a microscope looks like a rare flu epidemic that’s prone to choke the life out of a summo wrestler within seconds”…I’m a little challenged.

Great coach, love my clients and they me, but man, every time I give advice, I have to be tested, slammed, right in my face in my own life. I’m telling my clients that they need to make their children more responsible and more involved in the maintenance of the home and my children think Alice, Florence, and Geoffrey (if you don’t know who they are, just watch TVLand this weekend) live with them. I have slacked of the charts because I thought they had a routine. When we homeschooled, I taught whole lessons on forming good habits and maintaining your role in a home. For what? For 4 months to go by and I feel like they are going out of the world backward. But it’s not just them, my husband and I are putting much going through a lot and we are just trying to pull ourselves out of the fog. I talked to God last night and said, “Hey, I know we have to grow and be better, but do we have to have growing pains at the same time and does it have to take some dayum long?” Ok, it wasn’t completely like that, but close enough. Our children are watching us, watching our lead and we are not good examples.

My bedroom…stone cold mess. FEMA would surrender and declare it a natural disaster. I feel like I’m cleaning and putting away clothes all of the time, but they keep jumping out of the drawers and closets and landing on the floor. My daughter, who was told that if she didn’t keep her room straight (now that she’s solo at age 13), that she would get evicted…well, her room is…shall we say…a smokin’ hot mess. Now, she has broken bookcase/unable to hold her books/CDs, etc., a bedframe that is so broken that if you bounce a little, the bed is on the floor and a closet not big enough for 2 coats, a suit and a sweater holder. No, I’m not making excuses, but she does have some challenges. I read organizing books, watch all of these HGTV shows, but all I can think about now is “How quickly can put everything in a pile, short of underwear and a couple of my favorite shoes, set it a fire and get out before the house has any real damage?” The kids would be fine because I’ve had them pack their clothes in suitcases since all of their dressers are broken and are barely holding the clothes anyway.

Oh, gotta tell you all about the purity classes that my oldest daughter is taking…yes, she’s taking even more classes. I know many of you disagree or are not sure if it is necessary or if it makes sense, but at least I know that girlfriend will not be confused or ignorant and her choices would be made with complete consciousness…no naivete going on in my camp. We are preparing or better yet, I am preparing myself for her to go to high school and while I know she will do well/be alright/have what she need, my seven year old lets me know that he’s been listening. He has a girl that he likes in his class and after she communicates that she likes him too, he says…”N, I have been through the girlfriend-boyfriend thing and I got into some trouble, so let’s just be friends. It’s better that way.” Yes. That boy is something else and while I’m trying to process what’s going with him, the kindergarten teacher pulls me to the side and says, “K’s mom told me that I need to separate him and Niara because she wrote him a love note and gave him her phone number.” I tried not to laugh. She doesn’t even talk on the phone! His mother thought this was necessary at age 5. Wow, we live in an interesting world, but I went to my daughter just to get some clarification.

When I talked to her, she said, “He is my friend and he told me what to write because I couldn’t even spell best friend.”

“Do you mean boyfriend, honey?”

She said, “No. I just wrote on mine what he wrote on his letter to me.”

“Oh, he wrote you a letter.”

“Yeah, but I lost it, so I wrote him one back.”

“What did it say?”

“I like being your best friend and I love you and I put my phone number at the bottom.”

I felt silly having this conversation, but at the same time, if I’m talking about relationships with everybody else…I gotta talk about it with the baby girl too. Life…has someone found the manual on this thing yet?

No, I don’t have my holidays mixed up people. Today, I am writing from my mobile office where no one in my family knows how to find me and I have wonderful surroundings, safe, quiet and most of all, no one here knows me as Mommy. Should I feel bad about the excitement that’s running through my veins? Should I lessen the grin on my face? Nah. This is the beginning of new beginnings.
I first want to thank the women in my life who are redefining what it means to be wife and mother. As much as I would say to myself, “I am not going to be like my mother and centered my whole life around my family.” Well, images are powerful and I recently looked up and guess what…I was my mother. Even though I was coaching, writing, working in ministry, I wasn’t committed to a schedule, so if something else came up, I would bail on what I had to do. Some would say that this is compromise/sacrifice and it’s all part of life, but we, as mothers, have to be careful about the examples that we are setting for our children.
Children are always watching and they take seriously what you take seriously. For example, if you tell them that they have to make up their bed EVERY morning and when you wake up, you see them watching TV and the bed isn’t made up, but you let it slide because it’s the weekend/they had a late night/the sheets have to be changed anyway. Then, they don’t believe you, they don’t take your requests seriously. Now, maybe I’m the only inconsistent flake reading this, but when you’re tired/distracted/overwhelmed, then you know what you do…you miss out on the REAL life lessons like showing your children who to build a full life.
I used to get frustrated when I would be sitting in the tub or on the phone with my door closed and the kids would pass by my husband, come and find me to ask me a question like “Can I have a cookie?” Even after I tell them only interrupt me if its an emergency, they swear its an emergency that one of them sat on the others toy and now it smells like “boo-tang.” Yeah, that’s a quote. I let it happen or I snapped at them with some remark like, “Can I get just one iota of privacy?” or “Leave me alone. I’m hiding. Go ask your dad!” Well, I understand that my attitudes about this and other related household matters have to change, so here’s my new response: 1) I’ve made some signs to put on doors where I am taking my private time and the rule is See Sign, Don’t Knock! 2) I am saying to them: You all are so blessed to have 2 parents. Don’t ignore your father. He’s part of your life too, you know.
See, we, as women, set the tone, set the atmosphere in the household and until we realize that we have to make peace in our house by being peaceful ourselves. Then, guess what, you are going to be more committed to your massage, your mobile office, your bath or whatever it takes to make your full life.
Don’t you want your children to independent of at some point? Don’t you want to empower those around you to care for themselves just in case, God forbid, something happens to you? How will they learn if they are never given the opportunity? It’s independence day yall. Not just for me, but for my loved ones too. I know it will go well…if not at first, eventually. Consistency is the key to developing any new habit, right? Leave a comment and let me know if you are due an Independence Day.

I looked at the odometer, 27000…270001 and I realized that we REALLY drive, drive a lot. My life as a chaffeur becomes more bizarre when I reflections like this. We got this car in February with 11000 or so miles and already, before the year is out, we’ve driven over 16,000 miles. WOW! How do people lease cars? Don’t they have mileage constraints? We could never lease because we drive cars until they are undriveable. Now, if we are driving the cars into the ground, could we be driving ourselves in the ground? How many miles do we have to put on before we’re “undriveable”? Questions I have been asking myself while I lay in the bed with an awful, almost 2 week old sinus infection.
Our last big family road trip was because we lost the last of our grandparents, the last of the great-grandparents for the children. My husband’s paternal grandmother died at the ripe age of 87. I had to be the one to share the news with the children and I couldn’t believe some of the questions, comments. “Mommy, can we put pictures of us in her grave so that she’ll remember us when we get to heaven?” “Mommy, she was a good person. She wasn’t supposed to die.” I know we often practice or make a big deal about the sex talk, but that grief talk…man, that’s pretty heavy too. They cried for a good hour and I had to rotate lap and arm space because even the “big kids” needed a hug that day. I didn’t have time to grieve until much later. See, I only knew my maternal grandmother and her and Grandma Tootsie were a LOT alike. They even had the same handwriting. I looked to her for the same type of “uncut, sugared over” type of advice that I used to get from my grandmother. Yall know what I mean…like the time I was hanging out in the club after having my first child because I couldn’t master the wife/mother/working woman thing…went over to my grandma’s and she said, “You know that ain’t no way for a married woman to act. Now, you make this your last trip. God’s watching and you don’t want him to after you. Now, come and get some greens I got on the stove.” Uncut, but sugared over with the collard greens. Grandma Tootsie was the same way. I miss the old school, God-fearing, heavy praying, adopting everybody in the neighborhood type grandmas. I’m so glad that our children got to know her. She will truly be missed. One more reason I tell my children to choose heaven because we are going to have a blast when we meet up again!
Shortly after our return from the funeral, we had to kick the Rites of Passage preparation into high gear. Our oldest is now 13 (as of November 14) and on the 10th, we had her formal ceremony and celebration. It was off the hook. The theme was Values, Virtues, Vision and I believe that there was truly an impartation. I’ve been asked why 13 and here is my take: High School is rough and 16 is not sweet any more. I did an informal survey of close to 100 women, ranging in age and background and the average age of first sexual encounter was 14. We don’t have the luxury of assuming kids no better-my daughter took classes at church and at the hospital about sex, sexuality. We talked about drugs, smoking. Self-esteem, self-confidence were throughout this one year training program. She studied potential careers, social issues like global warming, AIDS in Baltimore (it’s number two in the nation). Of course, everything didn’t go as planned, but she had a great time and our entire family was represented (Papa, Auntie Cheryl and Big Big Khari couldn’t make it, but we felt their presence. Love yall).
My daughter and I are very close and as much as I miss the little girl, I look forward to nurturing and supporting the young woman. She had an attitude because I was running late and she wanted to get there early (I thought the grand entrance was better anyway). I almost cut her deep and long, but instead I remembered being 13. I remembered how stressful it is to give your first big party. I remembered the argument with my mother about what I was going to where, so I paused, laughed and left out of the house with a sinus infection, a slight fever and a damp body, wet head because I didn’t get a chance to shower and wash my hair before the start of the party.
The highlight of the evening though was daughter in her little black dress. I bought the dress and it was cute when she tried it on, but combine it with the sharp, bone straight hair and the faux suede wedges…uggh! My sister-in-law was like, “Oh, my goodness, she has cleavage.” My brother in law suggested that I print the picture and put on it, “I’m not ready!” Our surprise gift to her was a wall of wisdom, where people submitted quotes, comments, scriptures, “Words to live by.” The response was so great that we are going to have to do a part 2, but if you want to check out part one, click HERE.
Thanks, DH for working so hard on this. He edited the picture (he took it during one of his outdoor family photo shoots) and put the words all over the picture. We had it blown up to poster size and we are going to get it framed. If you all have some words of wisdom, please include them below. Pictures of the event to come. Thanks!

It’s funny. I look forward to our time together and still haven’t developed the schedule I once had. I am going to be quick today, but man, I want to tell you all that I really love and appreciate the email and the comments that you all share. I’ve been under an attack of sorts for almost a year and I gotta tell you…it hurts when you have to come back to your senses and realized that if you just focused on the mission, the vision in the beginning, nothing, NO THING can stop you. You know, I’ve had to eat my own words over the past couple of weeks. If someone came to me and said that they can’t find time to write, I would say You make time for the things that matter. OUCH! If someone came to me and said that they were feeling overwhelmed, I would say (to quote someone else…this one isn’t mine) An overwhelmed mind is an undisciplined mind! YUCK!
In short, I created this blog so that women, whether you are married/single/parent or just think you might want to be someday, whether you are staying at home/working from home/running away from home (LOL), you could find a safe, familiar, real place to just do you, kick it, be who you are. And as much as I surf and explore the world, I haven’t found a place for women like Dahgurl yet, well like where Dahgurl is going. Thanks guys for reminding me, sharing with me that what we are trying to do here is needed. On that note, let me tell you what’s coming up.
My internet radio show…coming back with fierce intensity and a new format. Looking for a couple of producers (and yes, we are paying folks…praise God). The television show…well that last one wasn’t mine, but this next one is and I’m pitching 2 other shows to some production companies this week. The goal, as you know, is Syndicate in ’08 and that syndication will be more than radio and TV. Our team is looking to take some of my writing (I write about so much and so many topics…that’s what put the book on hold, but we are going back to the table with that one too) and get larger markets for them.
Alright, I’m a little fired up and thanks for reading this far. Of course, I owe you all a life update as mom. Imani will be 13 on November 14 and we are planning an off the hook Rites of Passage celebration. I shared with you how we have been preparing her for over a year to “transition” into womanhood. Our family thought that 13 was too early and that maybe I was biting off of someone else’s culture…ok, the Jews, I said it. But as much as I admire certain aspects about many cultures (and I did read a few books about bat mitvahs), I’ve been sorta moved to make this a tradition for my family and those around me because of the research I did for a workshop in March on Teen Depression. I spoke at this conference and I was torn apart by the information on teen pregnancy, AIDS, violence among teen women. I don’t think I could have imagined-girl gangs! What? I mean girls are now the worse bullies and…well yoou get the picture. So I want to best prepare my children and the only way I know to fight a battle and win is to know who you are and whose you are. Oh, I will save the sermon for another day. I love my daughter as she is, but I know that as a parent, my parenting style has to be different than that of my parents. I am praying, fasting, crying out to the Lord for my children more than ever and I talk more about sex, rape, abortion, homosexuality than my parents have ever talked to me. I will be publishing all of the details about the program in the next few weeks, but just know that mothering/parenting is an important, on-purpose gig that is not for the weak at heart! And I was a fool to think that some how I was going to do everything I wanted and my children were somehow going to “get it on their own.”
Gotta go. Thanks again fam (yall family now).

Good Morning! Yes, I am quickly regaining my morning back and I am too excited because…well, it makes sense. I’ve questioned myself, my abilities, my choices, my self-worth alot over the past few months and I gotta tell you some of what I’ve learned:

1. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Ooo, this should be numbers 1 through 3. I am soooo not perfect, but there were a lot of things in my life, in my routine that worked like getting up at 5 AM to write. It worked for over a year, but I got distracted and started changing what was working. Something else that worked was my morning devotionals and prayer times with my children. See, I haven’t adjusted well to the school schedule, but from today on, I’m back to keeping the main thing the main thing. Children need to be…ooops, I think that’s number 4. Next…

2. You can’t do it, this, anything without a continuous, fired-up, ever growing, ever-expanding hook-up with God.I should have known when my fellowship time was compromised, when I couldn’t find my Bible most of the time and when I did it looked, uh, brand new…signs of trouble my friends. I spent over 4 years outside of constant fellowship and when I joined my current church, I asked God to stretch me, push me, grow me into who You called, but change is hard and not everyone, actually in most cases, no one but God is going to know where He’s taking you.

3. Live your life with no regrets and don’t look backward. Man, this one could make me sick to my stomach. I have wasted…ok, not the best word, but let’s go with it for a second…I have wasted the past three months or so mad about what I did, questioning what I should have done, doubting who and what I am, abusing myself for my mistakes, devaluing my value and just this week, I realized/I was reminded that I couldn’t be where I am if I hadn’t done what I’ve done and that if I had a chance to do it all over again…I would do the same thing! Ooo, I could go here for the whole post, but I said I wasn’t going to overwhelm you all. You’ll be getting a lot more over the weeks to come.

4. Children are a blessing…raising children, raising righteous/whole/well-rounded/healthy/sane children is WORK. I’ve been back slapped/pistol whopped with this idea that because a check doesn’t come to me with my name on it that somehow I don’t work. These thoughts have been dangerous to my present and my future, but to use a line from my boy Simba (Lion King I, great movie, may need to revisit it), “Danger…HA. I laugh in the face of danger.” I’m laughing when I think about how many times I counsel friends/family/strangers (like the woman in the grocery store or the woman at Joanns) about parenting…WHY? Why? Because you judge a tree by its fruit and I gotta tell you…my fruit, my children…they are evidence of the WORK. Ohh, I can…I’ll leave the shouting, the crying, the revelations for the weeks to come.

5. The enemy FIRST attacks your identity. Oh, my goodness. I’ve considered myself a fighter most of my life. I was double promoted early in life and people teased me for being smart, for being the teacher’s pet…in the early years. Then, my uncle taught me how to fight (for the non-violent parents…skip to the next paragraph), so when Kelli E. (I still remember her name) bullied me in Mrs. E. Jones’ class that next time, I took her out. My best friends, Kim and Sonya, were shocked, but no one ever teased me or tried to assume that I was weak because I was smart ever again…well, not until recently. I’m more spirit than man…we all are and I let my spirit get bullied. I got tired. I got weak. I let the attack, which had been systematic over years, finally win a battle. I stop believing that I was a fighter, a winner, a conqueror and I threw in the white towel. Don’t let anything, any situation, any circumstances win in your life. Situations and circumstances are sure to change in an instant. Hold on to something that NEVER changes- His Word, His Promise.

Oh, the weather went from 90 degrees to 60 degrees this past week and I had to pull out my retail skills as we moved the summer clothes that fit to the trunk, threw the not for next year summer clothes in the Goodwill bag and started to put the warm clothes in the closet. I knew I was in trouble when I had brought 4 basket full of clothes from the trunk up to my room and in those 4 piles, I had 3 shirts (only 1 fit) and not a single pair of warm weather pants (I’m not counting the sweatpants that are an extra large in 4 or 5 different colors that I wore throughout many of the pregnancies…they were immediately sent to the Goodwill bag with a chuckle and a cheer!). I had to make a quick shift to get the kids’ prepared, but the bigger shift was in redressing my mind and regrouping my schedule, my plans.

Tomorrow, I will give you all updates on each of the kids…I think they each deserve a day because the transitions are huge. They are all fine and I thank you all for caring. It means a lot to me.